Seinfeld casting

I've been working on equating every character on Seinfeld to an NFL personality, inspired by Profootballtalk.com. Here's what I've come up with so far:

• Jerry Seinfeld = Roger Goodell. Both call all the shots in their circle.
• George Constanza = Daniel Snyder. Both huge neurotics.
• Cosmo Cramer = Gene Upshaw. Both seem a little crazy and live fantastic lives without much ability.
• Elaine Benes = Suzi Kolber. They both seem to be kind of easy, comfortable hanging out with the boys.
• Newman = Carl Poston. I can picture him walking into a GM's office, and the GM saying "Hello, Poston!"
• Uncle Leo = Art Modell. Hanging out on the sidelines of training camp, talking to whoever will listen.
• Mr. Pitt = Ralph Wilson (Bills owner). Humorless rich old man.
• Babu Bhatt = Tony Dungy. You're a bad man T.O. for showing flesh on TV before MNF, very bad man
• George Steinbrenner = Drew Rosenhaus. The cadence of their monologues are very similar.
• Kenny Bania = Joe Theismann. Neither can shut up.
• Jackie Childs = Herman Edwards. They look and speak alike.
• Crazy Joe Davola = Joey Porter. Both will walk up and sucker punch you.
  
• Mike Moffit (phony) = Pacman Jones. One takes a parking spot way too seriously, the other take strip clubs way too seriously, both lie to the big guy.
• Mickey Abbott (little person) = Bill Polian. Both have Napoleon complexes.
• The Drake = Peyton Manning. Everyone loves the Peyton.
• Dr. Whatley (anti-dentite) = Tony Kornheiser. Took MNF job just for the jokes.
• Katie (the indecisive agent played by Debra Jo Rupp from That 70s Show) = Joe Segal. Can't take a shit unless it's slotted.
• Sally Weaver (Kathy Griffin) = T.O. Her Jerry routine was very similar to T.O.'s Garcia routine. They both implied that they were gay.
• Sue Ellen Mischke (chocolate heir) = Heather Kozar. Playmate of the Year's hotness caused feud between Tim Couch and Cade McNown, Mischke walking around in a bra hurt Jackie Child's trial.
• Izzy Mandlebaum (Lloyd Bridges) = Mike Ditka. The only NFL personality that I can picture saying "Do you think you're better than me? Watch me lift this radiator above my head!"
• Izzy, Sr. = Al Davis. An older, more stubborn Ditka.

The greatness of Hank, the smallness of Barry

Leave it to Hank Aaron to steal the show last night. After Bonds rounded the bases, somehow manages to ignore his son who was waiting at home plate so he can perform a look at me point to the sky, (the same son that he used as a buffer while dealing with the media when his mistress became public) and made to mention nor gesture toward his teammates (slides 6 and 9), (who admittedly reacted similar to Bud Selig when he tied the record) the P.A. announcer directed the audience toward the Jumbotron for a special message from... Hank Aaron!

The crowd erupted as the Hammer basically said congratulations for breaking my record, you've hit more home runs than anyone, and that includes a lot of guys who were really good at hitting home runs. It was respectful, it didn't mention the cloud of suspicion, it wasn't meant to take the spotlight away from Barry, and when we look back on the soundbite years from now nothing will come across as ironic with the backdrop of the steroid era.

Something entertaining from ESPN Entertainment?

I've been a big fan of the ESPN miniseries The Bronx is Burning, but last night they truly outdid themselves. Oliver Platt as George Steinbrenner and John Turturro as Billy Martin acted out one of the all-time commercials, their Miller Lite "Tastes Great/Less Filling" argument. Absolutely one of the great scenes in television over the last five years.

Art of the deal

I noticed on Slickdeals.net last night how some customers were able to finagle the NFL Network for free until the end of the year since it was placed on a more expensive tier of channels if they were previously paying for the channel and now would have to pay more, so I rehearsed what I was going to say and made the call.

Me: I used to get the NFL Network but now I don't since it was placed on a more expensive tier of channels. (I've never paid for the NFL Network on principle, I'm B.S.ing)

Comcast: Yes, as part of out sports entertainment package for $5 a month you can get the NFL Network, NBATV, [and seven other channels].

Me: But I understand there's some promotion where you can get the NFL Network for free. (Fingers crossed)

Comcast: Well, that promotion expired but there is one going on right now where you can pay $1.99 [total] for the NFL Network for a year.

Me: Does this lock you in for a year? (My lease expires soon and I'm not sure if I'll be there in two months) Or do you pay $2 a month for up to a year?

Comcast: No, you pay $1.99 and then you have the NFL Network for a year.

Me: (Tiger Woods fist pump) I'd like to sign up for that, please.

So I've finally got the NFL Network, where I can go to sleep to the dulcet tones of Adam Schefter. I order pizza like this as well if I don't have a coupon: I call the place and ask if they have a ludicrous offer, and they usually respond that I must be thinking of their best offer at that time.

Our first huge training camp injury of the year?

The Saints' LT Jamaal Brown was carted off the field today with what could turn out to be a serious knee injury. Many would say their best player was Drew Brees or Reggie Bush because those are the guys in commercials, but Brown is the premier LT in the NFL and absolutely indispensable. (I name him the 18th best player in the NFL recently) If he's out for the year New Orleans is sunk... Maybe that was a bad choice of words?

Dr. Quinn, throws like a woman

Fox Sports' Jay Glazer reported that the Browns have finally come to terms with Brady Quinn, who dropped to the 22nd pick. Quinn decided to celebrate by grabbing some man meat.Yes, the pic is real and that's him on the right.

The trouble with milestones

This weekend ESPN's Erin Andrews conducted a sideline interview with gifted thespian Jon Lovitz at a Padres/Giants game, and Lovitz basically said everyone in baseball was cheating so let's celebrate Bonds breaking the most hallowed (and hollowed) record in sports, an opinion shared by many celebrities, especially those of the B-list variety and everyone associated with covering MLB in the media. On the Dan Patrick Show today, Mike Tirico opined that everyone should be happy to donate historic home run balls to the Hall of Fame as if it were some church, which actually counters Barry Bonds' recommendation to sell them.

I'm as big a sports fan as there is, but I don't understand the reverence being thrown around now just when someone reaches a milestone. Tom Glavine has been as reliable a pitcher in the regular and post seasons as anyone over the last 15 years, yet he's only now reached greatness because his win total reached 300? This is madness! It's the same in the case of Michael Vick: he's the devil incarnate because he's facing federal charges, but after the feds raided his house and reports surfaced of Ookie being a giant in the dog fighting community he was just another wayward athlete?

With Bonds this trend is particularly troubling, because celebrating the home run record could send the message to little leaguers that steroids can lead to wealth and fame. There are people lined up on Baseball Tonight and on Fox Sports that don't think steroids should be mentioned in Giants broadcasts right now, the same people that vilified Jim Gray for asking Pete Rose some hard questions as he was announced as part of MLB's All-Century Team. Why doesn't anyone want to actually report on sports instead of act as cheerleaders? The answer is obvious: since ESPN and Fox Sports broadcast MLB games, they to lose more than they stand to gain by being critical of a product that they help distribute. Ever since ESPN took Playmakers off the air it's been downhill for sports media. It's like media channels can't wait to sell out.