Do not try to rape a bouncer's 68 year old mother

If I was told by a 6'5", 299 lb bouncer that I was going to die tonight, I think I might just shit myself. OK I would shit myself. I mean, just reading the story made me pee a little bit.

Stewie Griffin is all grown up

16 year old Cory Ryder tried to put a hit on his mother because she took away his PlayStation. The supposed hit man, who was naturally an undercover policeman, was to receive his stepfather's pickup truck as payment. He told a friend that he wanted to kill his mother while that kid's mother was in earshot, and she contacted the police to set up a sting. Ryder's lawyer is hoping for a jury of Asians age 8-16. Let this be a lesson to all parents who try to take away their kids' video games.

My diagnosis: bad babysitting!

I understand being an NFL coach is an incredibly stressful job, but are they actually the 32 worst parents in the world? Tony Dungy's son killed himself, one of Andy Reid's kids smuggled drugs into jail, and Bill Belichick's son was busted for possession. The common denominator is that they are premier NFL coaches, you would think it would be harder for the child of an unsuccessful coach. For example, growing up in the Washington area, I can guarantee you Norv Turner's kids would have gotten abused when he was the head coach of the Redskins. Off the top of my head, besides George Allen's children, the ex-coach with the most successful children right now is Buddy Ryan, both of whose sons are on the verge on NFL head coaching jobs of their own.

But focusing on Reid, he needs to take a leave of absence or the NFL should suspend him immediately. If the sons of a prominent NFL player were in jail on guns and drugs charges, there's no way he would escape repercussions. Especially if their house was described as a "drug emporium." Even if he successfully distanced himself in the illegal activities that took place at 1915 Moonlight Road, Michael Vick would not have escaped a suspension. Goodell told him "People living in your house and people on your property is your responsibility." And the Vick comparison is in line with the distraction this is causing his players. It was also disclosed yesterday that "Garrett and Britt had used steroids as young athletes." If Wade Wilson got a five game suspension for HGH, I'd be shocked if Reid didn't at least get a nudge toward sitting out the year and getting his house in order.

Hormone deficiency... Riiiiiiight.

If a journeyman pitcher with less than 100 career wins and one season where he struck out more than 106 in on HGH, then who isn't? Paul Byrd says he was prescribed HGH by a doctor because of a hormone deficiency and admitted it made him a better pitcher.

"At the insistence of a close friend, I went and had my hormones checked . . . To my surprise, the doctor told me that I was producing very little growth hormone and prescribed a dosage to help me out. I didn't like sticking a needle in my inner thigh each night but I sure did enjoy the sleep that occurred afterwards. My life changed during that time and I was able to work out more, experience less fatigue and recover quicker from pitching."

I've known many people who have had trouble sleeping, and most of them were prescribed sleeping pills and not human growth hormone. Maybe he went to Dr. Nick Riviera asking for a way to sleep better and to pitch 200 innings every season. Byrd reportedly received HGH 2002-05 (I say reportedly because he may have received HGH prior to 2002 or after 2005). In 2002 he pitched a career high 228 1/3 innings, in July 2003 he had Tommy John surgery, he recovered quickly to pitch 114 1/3 innings in 2004, and again threw 200+ innings in 2005. I think Ricky Williams needs to see this doctor about his glaucoma.

Even the people covering the Dolphins are screwups

A Miami sports producer was arrested for trying to exchange Raiders/Dolphins tickets for sex with an 11 year old girl. Right away, he should have been tipped off by the fact that someone was willing to give anything of value for a Dolphins ticket - they're going for like $11 at Stubhub. And against the Raiders? Not exactly a compelling matchup. In jail, he'll learn what it's like to be a bartered 11 year old girl.

Michael Vick finally does something right

Get this: Michael Vick can get up to a year knocked off his federal sentence for testing positive for pot.

...by taking advantage of an obscure Federal Bureau of Prisons (B.O.P.) Rotational/Developmental Assignment Program (R.D.A.P.) loophole — 18 U.S.C. 3621 to be exact — [Vick] could possibly reduce his sentence by one year...

From U.S. Code posted at Cornell Law School's site:
Period of custody — The period a prisoner convicted of a nonviolent offense remains in custody after successfully completing a treatment program may be reduced by the Bureau of Prisons, but such reduction may not be more than one year from the term the prisoner must otherwise serve.

The caveat is that is must be a nonviolent crime, but Vick's lawyer could make a legitimate case of that for Vick. Also, this does nothing for his pending state charges. I found the link to this at 100% Injury Rate, who confirmed this with someone from the website American Prison Consultants. They ask the question: is Vick some kind of criminal genius who has spent the last six months poring over his legal books, or a stressed out pothead? Probably the latter.

O.J's 11: The trailer

Here's a pretty damn funny video from SuperDeluxe.com. If I had more black friends maybe I would have come up with it first. Oh well.

Has eBay been hacked?

Huge breaking news on the internet: eBay may have been hacked because personal information such as contact and credit card information is being posted on the "Trust & Safety" eBay message board! Yesterday at around 9 AM EST account information of approximately 1200 eBay users was posted on the message board with the subject "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" followed by a six digit number. It's not clear what percentage of the data was accurate but I'm hearing mostly accurate with some credit card numbers being off.

One possibility is that the information that has been posted was compiled by phishing. But a Youtube video (since removed) was posted with the title "ebaY Major Hack AttacK! User's Data Posted On Ebay T&S Bd" under the username cappnonymous. Here is a list of usernames for eBay accounts whose data has been compromised. This is honestly one of the most devastating things that could possibly happen on the internet. As many people have credit card or PayPal accounts linked to eBay as any other site on the web. Change the passwords to your eBay and PayPal accounts immediately.