2007 NFL season predictions

Anybody can predict history to repeat itself and project no changes to last year's standings, but not The Skinny Post. After watching hour upon hour of preseason football, and poring over schedules, here's what I came up with. I see Indy getting knocked off, and it's absurd I'm the only one. The Colts were have turned over about a third of their starters with no replacements at all except for a 2nd round draft pick at LT, and they're in maybe the toughest division in football. The Patriots are as big as a favorite at this point in the season as I've ever seen, but injury happens and no one is invincible.

AFC East
New England Patriots (1 seed)
Miami Dolphins
New York Jets
Buffalo Bills

AFC North
Baltimore Ravens (2 seed)
Cincinnati Bengals
Pittsburgh Steelers
Cleveland Browns

AFC South
Jacksonville Jaguars (4 seed)
Indianapolis Colts (WC 1)
Tennessee Titans (WC 2)
Houston Texans

AFC West
San Diego Chargers (3 seed)
Denver Broncos
Oakland Raiders
Kansas City Chiefs

Playoff Projections
Colts beat Jaguars, Chargers beat Titans
Ravens beat Chargers, Patriots beat Colts
Patriots beat Ravens

NFC East
Dallas Cowboys (1 seed)
Philadelphia Eagles (WC 1)
Washington Redskins
New York Giants

NFC North
Chicago Bears (2 seed)
Minnesota Vikings
Detroit Lions
Green Bay Packers

NFC South
Carolina Panthers (4 seed)
New Orleans Saints (WC 2)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Atlanta Falcons

NFC West
San Francisco 49ers (3 seed)
Seattle Seahawks
St. Louis Rams
Arizona Cardinals

Playoff Projections
49ers beat Saints, Panthers beat Eagles
Cowboys beat Panthers, 49ers beat Bears
Cowboys beat 49ers

Super Bowl XLII: Patriots beat Cowboys
MVP, Offensive MVP, Super Bowl MVP: Tom Brady
Defensive MVP: Shawn Merriman
Offensive ROY: Marshawn Lynch
Defensive ROY: Patrick Willis
Coach of the Year: Mike Nolan

Swimming with sharks

That's me, about three feet away from a Galapagos shark. That yellow area around my crotch is urine.

A long time ago in a Springfield far, far away...

Best. Obit. Ever.

Arthur Jones, the inventor of Nautilus weight lifting machines, died at 80 on Tuesday. He smoked most of his life, had six wives, and hunted big game, killing "630 elephants." He was also an accomplished pilot who logged over 44,000 hours, often with exotic animals. I'd like to build up an obit like that. I've killed 47 fruit flies this month alone, so maybe I'm on my way.

League tabs Browns to remove image stains

The new NFL ad campaign, featuring Matt Hasselbeck, Vince Young, Brady Quinn, Braylon Edwards, and Willie McGinest, will feature humanizing spots where the player talking to or about their families. The Vince Young one sounds decent, (he talks about which family member each tatoo is for) I guess, but one thing stands out here: half of the spots feature players from probably the worst team in the NFL. Maybe this is the byproduct of General Manager Phil Savage's mandate about drafting only Christian players: they can't tackle worth shit but they think making it rain is heresy.

Games that count are BACK

Tonight, August 30, 2007, Anno Domini, at a little after 8 PM EST, LSU and Mississippi State will kickoff the 2007 college football schedule. Matt Flynn will take over for JaMarcus Russell at QB for the Tigers. Flynn has one career start, but it was a good one: 2 TDs in a 40-3 rout of Miami in the 2005 Peach Bowl.

Year after year football fans anticipate the opening weekend of the NFL like a kid waiting for Christmas, but the opening game of the college football season tends to sneak up on you. Well, two teams will line up tonight to play a game that counts not a moment too soon.

Commitment to holding out

Yesterday JaMarcus Russell's holdout reached 34 days, breaking Orlando Pace's record for the longest holdout for a number one pick. I'm not counting Bo Jackson, who never signed with Tampa Bay after being taken first in 1986 and, ironically, ending up with the Raiders after being drafted in the 7th round the following year.

The Raiders were pretty much locked into the #1 overall pick two weeks into the season, and were able to negotiate with Russell months before the draft and he'll likely hold out into the season. Just another indication that the Raiders shouldn't be taken seriously as an NFL franchise.

No relation to the Houston 500

Peter King put up his top 500 players in the NFL today. It's not a bad list, I would obviously rank them quite a bit differently but let me jump on him for something obvious. Two weeks ago he puts Jonathan Ogden on his All Pro team, and now he ranks him 7th among tackles, 114th overall? I guess he penalized him for missing the preseason. Also, maybe it's a little premature to have Reggie Bush 19th overall, 2nd among RBs. And McNabb 73rd, behind Philip Rivers and Vince Young? Nine months ago he was having an all time season!

Marinovich tries new ways to reenact 1991

Todd Marinovich, who threw for 243 yards, 3 TDs, and no picks in his first start and not much else besides, was arrested Sunday for skateboarding at the Newport Pier boardwalk in the O.C. with an ounce of meth and paraphernalia.

NFL players are getting into trouble in new and exotic ways: financing a dog fighting ring, leaving a $350,000 Lamborghini wrapped around a light pole, making it rain, and, my favorite, getting busy in a stairwell. No wonder Marinovich couldn't make it in the NFL; skateboarding on the boardwalk on meth? That shit might fly in the Arena League but that is way too tame for the NFL. Maybe if it was a hover skateboard or if he was naked or something.

The long national nightmare is over

I received my 360 back from Microsoft today, with a backlog of games to play that would make Zeus Himself climb down from Mount Olympus with a six pack of Heineken with his cell on vibrate so he wouldn't have to deal with calls from Hera. Anyone wants a piece of me in Madden, hit me up.

End of the line for Moose?

Mike Mussina, the second highest paid pitcher in the history of baseball and the third highest paid pitcher on the 2007 Yankees, has been relegated to the bullpen in favor of minor leaguer Ian Kennedy, who spent last year at USC. Mussina'a ERA over his last three starts in 17.69 and teams are hitting .365 against him since the All Star break. With 247 career wins and an eight figure salary for next year, you figure he'll be back next year to Beamon the record as the highest paid middle reliever.

If I wrote it...

USMagazine has a portion of O.J. Simpson's upcoming book If I Did It, and it's worse than you think. It reads like a confession trying to earn sympathy, and it officially signals the fall of western civilization.

CHAPTER ONE
1. The Luckiest Guy in the World

I’m going to tell you a story you’ve never heard before, because no one knows this story the way I know it. It takes place on the night of June 12, 1994, and it concerns the murder of my ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her young friend, Ronald Goldman. I want you to forget everything you think you know about that night, because I know the facts better than anyone. I know the players. I’ve seen the evidence. I’ve heard the theories. And of course I’ve read all the stories: That I did it. That I did it but I don’t know I did it. That I can no longer tell fact from fiction. That I wake up in the middle of the night, consumed by guilt, screaming.

Man, they even had me wondering, What if I did it?

Well, sit back, people. The things I know, and the things I believe, you can’t even imagine. And I’m going to share them with you. Because the story you know, or think you know -- that’s not the story. Not even close. This is one story the whole world got wrong.

EXCERPT OF MURDER DESCRIPTION:

I could hear Charlie just behind me, saying something, urging me to get the fuck out of there, and at one point he even reached for me and tried to drag me away, but I shook him off, hard, and moved toward Goldman. “Okay, motherfucker!” I said. “Show me how tough you are!”

Then something went horribly wrong, and I know what happened, but I can’t tell you exactly how. I was still standing in Nicole’s courtyard, of course, but for a few moments I couldn’t remember how I’d gotten there, when I’d arrived, or even why I was there. Then it came back to me, very slowly: The recital -- with little Sydney up on stage, dancing her little heart out; me, chipping balls into my neighbor’s yard; Paula, angry, not answering her phone; Charlie, stopping by the house to tell me some more ugly shit about Nicole’s behavior. Then what? The short, quick drive from Rockingham to the Bundy condo.

And now? Now I was standing in Nicole’s courtyard, in the dark, listening to the loud, rhythmic, accelerated beating of my own heart. I put my left hand to my heart and my shirt felt strangely wet. I looked down at myself. For several moments, I couldn’t get my mind around what I was seeing. The whole front of me was covered in blood, but it didn’t compute. Is this really blood? I wondered. And whose blood is it? Is it mine? Am I hurt?

I was more confused than ever. What the hell had happened here? Then I remembered that Goldman guy coming through the back gate, with Juditha’s glasses, and I remembered hollering at him, and I remembered how our shouts had brought Nicole to the door . . .

Nicole. Jesus.

I looked down and saw her on the ground in front of me, curled up in a fetal position at the base of the stairs, not moving. Goldman was only a few feet away, slumped against the bars of the fence. He wasn’t moving either. Both he and Nicole were lying in giant pools of blood. I had never seen so much blood in my life. It didn’t seem real, and none of it computed. What the fuck happened here? Who had done this? And why? And where the fuck was I when this shit went down?

EXCERPT OF A FIGHT SIMPSON HAD WITH NICOLE:

Nicole came out of the house and watched me for a few moments, still angry, glaring, and I crossed into the driveway, sat on the hood of her convertible Mercedes, and glared right back. I still had the bat in my hand, and I remember flipping it into the air and accidentally hitting one of the rims.

“You going to pay for that?” she snapped.

“Yeah,” I snapped back, then took the bat and whacked the hood. “And I guess I’ll pay for that, too, since it’s my car—and since I pay for everything around here.”

She shook her head, disgusted with me, and went into the house, and I wandered back into the yard and took a few more swings at the tether ball. It was crazy. It seemed all we did lately was argue. People say a lot of marriages get into trouble at the seven-year mark, and we weren’t married, but we’d been together seven years, and maybe that was the problem.

Best backup QB in the NFL?

In the last 6 games where he's thrown a pass, over the last 20 weeks of regular season football, Kyle Boller has completed 91 of 152 passes (60%) for 1178 yards, 11 TDs, and 5 interceptions, for a passer rating of 94.7. In one of those games he only came in for a drive, so to project to a 16 game schedule you would more than triple his stats to about 3800 yards and 35 TDs. Kyle Boller has become a punching bag for the talking heads at NFL Live, with implied slights such as "McNair better stay healthy" or "Troy Smith could be starting in a year or 2," but Boller is going to end up signing somewhere else next year for a bargain contract and have a Delhomme style breakout season.

I don't like this idea, but a lot of people do

Peter King suggested in his MMQB column that teams add rivalry games to their schedules, i.e. the Jets play the Giants every year, the Redskins play the Ravens every year, etc. I sincerely hope that the NFL never seriously considers this, because that would give an unfair advantage to teams that would play a weaker rival. For example, if the Cowboys played the Texans while the Eagles played the Steelers, the Giants played the Jets, and the Redskins played the Ravens, every year for that would be a much easier matchup for Dallas than their NFC East counterparts. It's the same thing in baseball with interleague play; why should San Francisco have to play Oakland every year while the other teams in their division get easier matchups?

Changing of the guard

Over the last 20 years wide receiver has been the deepest position in sports, with current and future Hall of Famers Jerry Rice, Cris Carter, Tim Brown, Art Monk, Michael Irvin, Andre Reed, Marvin Harrison, Randy Moss, and Torry Holt, along with guys who deserve a sniff but won't get it like Gary Clark, Henry Ellard, Irving Fryar, Jimmy Smith, Keenan McCardell, Isaac Bruce, Eric Moulds, and Terrell Owens. Conventional wisdom is that Harrison or Steve Smith is the best receiver in the NFL right now, but after watching just about every first team snap of every team this preseason, I'd ready to say Roy Williams and Andre Johnson are the two best receivers in the NFL right now.

The biggest diva in sports?

Chelsea star Frank Lampard is in a contract dispute. I'm not sure if they've agreed on money, but it seems Lampard is looking for a few perks. 100% Injury Rate is pointing out that, reportedly, he's asking that:

Mr. Lampard is to be addressed as "Mr. Lampard" at all times, including in the match day programme, by the match announcer and by all other players, including on the pitch, with the exception of Mr. John Terry. In addition: The match day announcer is to read Mr. Lampard's name in a louder and more enthusiastic voice than the other players, with the exception of Mr. Terry.

Employees of Chelsea Football Club, including the playing staff, are not to make eye contact with Mr. Lampard in the dressing room or on the field of play, even when celebrating goals or congratulating Mr. Lampard on his exceptional play, with the exception of Mr. John Terry.

Upon scoring a goal, Mr. Lampard is to be unmolested by fellow players for at least five ("5") seconds, in order to perform a celebration as he deems appropriate. When the rest of the team then embraces him, they may not touch him below the waist.

Mr. Lampard is to be provided with a separate dressing and changing area both at Stamford Bridge and away grounds, of four-star hotel quality or better. The lavatory seat is to be new and sealed.

Mr. Lampard's dressing room is to be painted white or off-white and decorated with two ("2") vases of white lilies and a baby grand paino (white or off-white).

Here are two pages (one and two) of this supposed proposed contract, but 100% Injury Rate points out that this might be satire.

Vick fesses up

Vick's plea agreement and summary of facts have been released, and while ESPN had a ridiculous report last night that Vick only confessed to bringing the dogs across state lines and not to gambling or killing dogs, they were loud wrong. From paragraph 32 of the summary of facts:

VICK agrees and stipulates that these dogs all died as a result of the collective efforts of PEACE, PHILLIPS, and VICK.

I'd love to tell you we were through talking about Vick for the next year or two, but once he serves that, Virginia will come after him for animal cruelty with a 20 year maximum sentence. If that goes to trial it will be an even bigger media circus that this, and could go on for years and not months.

2Legit for Parachute Pants?

The great city of Atlanta is considering banning baggy pants. What kind of crap is this? MC Hammer puts the city on the map and this is how they repay him? He'll never be able to set foot in the city again. And what's the next liberty to be taken away? Sunglasses at night? Ski goggles in the mall? Picking your nose on the bus? Giving a girl herpes under a hilarious assumed name?

Maybe this is just another way they're going after Vick. Put the bill in the pipeline now, and when he gets out of jail in a year or two, after he's been out of the loop, slap him with a $50 fine for wearing parachute pants.

Once again I scoop the Post

Profootballtalk is reporting Jets guard Pete Kendall has successfully skulked his way out of New York and into the place where every player unsatisfied with his contract wants to end up - Washington, D.C. Kendall feels like the Jets reneged on a verbal agreement to give a one million dollar raise after last season, which Daniel Snyder will do without blinking. Kendall is a huge upgrade over Todd Wade at LG, and at a fraction of the price of last year's starter Derrick Dockery.

Hollywood Video going out of business

I've heard rumblings the past week about this, but it's damn near official now.

Movie Gallery, whose shares have fallen from $5.29 in January to $.30 in mid-day trading today (Wednesday) may see its shares falling right off the NASDAQ list. The company said Tuesday that it had received notices from NASDAQ that its stock has dropped below the $1-per-share minimum over a 30-day period that is required to maintain a listing on the stock exchange. Movie Gallery -- the second-largest movie renter behind Blockbuster -- has recently been unable to make payments on its debt, largely incurred as a result of its recent acquisition of the Hollywood Video chain and last week extended until August 27 a forbearance agreement with lenders.

It's a shame, but they could never match Blockbuster so in a way maybe it was inevitable. Netflix, of course, has replaced Hollywood Video as Blockbuster's competitor.

Now go home and get your shinebox

People still talk about the time Georgia Tech clobbered Cumberland 222-0. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers losing their first 26 games before beating the nearly equally woeful Saints on the road. And every time a baseball team starts slow, we are reminded of the Orioles 0-21 start in 1988. And now, a new addition to the beat down Hall of Fame: on August 22, 2007, the Texas Rangers beat the Baltimore Orioles at Camden Yards 30-3, scoring the most runs in baseball in 110 years and the most ever in American League history. The Rangers also set the record for most runs scored in a double header. The score looked more like a football score, but it's worth mentioning the Ravens haven't allowed 30 points since November 27, 2005.

I caught the bottom of the 9th in the second game, when it was 9-7 Rangers. It honestly looked like there were less people in the stands than runs scored by the Rangers. And what I don't understand is how Texas can score 39 runs and Michael Young, their only player on my fantasy team, only drives in one. And this was hours after the team announced Dave Trembley would return next year; I wonder what his return policy is? The next time an Orioles player wonders why there are more Red Sox fans at his home games, I say a season ticket holder gets to shit in his locker. It could be like a seat upgrade for toilets. This could be a weekly promotion, call it Najeh Davenport Day.

Some dap from PFT

Appearing on profootballtalk.com yesterday:

MORE ALL-SEINFELD ENTRIES ARE UP

We took a little break from the All-Seinfeld thing, but the entries kept on coming.

Nearly 30 more new ones are right here.

The funniest one? Curtis Enis as Delores.

He doesn't mention me by name, but of course it's mine, sent in August 13th.

Dog chokes man? Now you've got something!

Amazing nugget uncovered by Adam Schefter yesterday regarding the fall of the House of Vick:

"If Vick is the main villain in a dogfighting case that has troubled and captivated this country, then the hero is Troy the 3-year-old Dutch Sheppard.

Troy is the certified police dog that, early on April 20, led the police to a car in the parking lot of the Royal Suite nightclub in Hampton, Va.

The car belonged to Michael Vick’s cousin Davon Boddie. The car contained three ounces of marijuana. And once Troy sniffed out the car, police launched their own drug probe five days later at Boddie’s address -- the now-infamous 1915 Moonlight Road.

While police went to the property looking for drugs, they instead found pitbulls, dogfighting equipment and dog carcasses -- all at a home in which Vick owned."

When Disney, Lifetime, ESPN, and/or HBO release their made for TV movies, what a great way to start out: K-9 unit cruising, the dog starts sniffing out the window, they find the car and look in the trunk. A classic view from the trunk tease (Billy Batts reveal in Goodfellas) as they open it, maybe when they search Vick's property they find Troy's father on his death bed, taken from a life of public service and forced into a life of dogfighting. Troy swears vengeance on Vick, gets a laser sighted sniper rifle to take him out at the draft, and his father speaks to him from beyond the grave: "Not our way, son." He closes his eyes and squeezes the trigger, killing Brady Quinn's girlfriend adding even more drama to his slide into the 20s. Now that's some damn fine television.

Lots of questions surrounding the suspension

While some talking heads are questioning whether or not Vick's suspension should/will run concurrent with his jail time (of course it won't), the real issue should be whether or not Vick has to serve the suspension while on an NFL roster. If a team had to sign him for a year before he could have a chance to help a team, I can't see any team willing to deal with PETA for a year for that.

Where's Baxter when you need him?

After Michael Vick's plea deal, this was the most popular story on CNN.com today. Note that "his clothes lying intact inside the cage."

During weekends like this, it's tough to enjoy preseason football

During Saturday night's preseason game between the Steelers and Redskins, when Brett Keisel dove at Jason Campbell's knee in a scene unbelievable reminiscent of when Kimo von Oelhoffen took out Carson Palmer's knee in the playoffs two years ago, Redskins fans must have been cursing the preseason, especially after losing Clinton Portis early in the preseason last year. About half an hour later Marcus Washington, arguably the Redskins' best player, dislocated his elbow in a pileup putting his availability for the season opener in doubt.

This kicked of a rash of injuries this weekend that devastated the Broncos, losing Ebeneker Ekuban for the season with a ruptured Achilles', Travis Henry for some length of time with a sprained MCL, and Mike Bell for at least the preseason with a hip injury, and the Giants, losing five players to injury last night including their starting running back getting stepped on on the sidelines. I went to the Ravens game last night and it was difficult to enjoy when there were starters or key backups on the field. The most important score at the end of the game is the butcher's bill.

Stat of the day

Carson Palmer, the number one pick in the 2003 NFL Draft, signed a rookie deal with a $15 million signing bonus. Jamarcus Russell, the number one pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, will eventually sign a deal with a signing bonus more than twice that amount.

A top five pick, the way the salary structure is currently constituted, is a hindrance and not an asset. Teams like the Lions with legitimate offers to trade down are foolish not to pull the trigger.

Top 10 sports commercials

Sons of Sam Malone (I knew he wasn't infertile) came up with their top 10 sports commercials of all time and it's a strong list, but it's missing my favorite commercial of any kind.

Arenas on Donaghy

Here's an excerpt from the Wizards Insider blog regarding Tim Donaghy (I bolded pertinent parts and added some notes):

The only time Gilbert thought twice about Donaghy was after a game at Denver last December 18. The was the night after Gilbert dropped 60 in a win over the Lakers in Los Angeles. The thing I remember about that night was speaking with Gilbert before the game and him commenting that he didn't think he'd be getting any calls after going to the free throw line 27 times the night before.

As you may remember, both Phil Jackson and Kobe Bryant made a point of discussing Gil's free throw attempts when asked about his historic 60. It was Gil's belief that their quotes along with the box score from that game would influence the refs working the Wiz/Nuggets game.

The Nuggets played without Carmelo Anthony and JR Smith that night and the Wizards went into the game favored by three. The over/under was 212.5. The Wiz came out sluggish and Denver built a 30-point second quarter lead but the Wiz made a big second half run and drew within 93-91 with 5:36 to play. [At this point the teams are on pace to score a combined 208 points, just below the over/under]

While Arenas didn't attempt a single free throw that night (he did throw up 12 three-point attempts), the Nuggets went to the line 28 times in the fourth quarter alone and iced a 117-108 win. [Comfortably above the over/under] According to the game's play by play at www.nba.com, 21 of Denver's fourth quarter free throw attempts came AFTER the Wiz cut the lead to 93-91. Interesting. Donaghy worked that game along with Leroy Richardson and Derrick Stafford.

"We were making a comeback but then they just started calling fouls and sending them to the line," Arenas said. "I was like, OK, I guess we ain't winning this game. Other than that game, I never really thought about the guy. He was just another ref to me. Then again, if he was cheating, he probably would try to blend in as much as possible."

Want to be the Giants backup safety? Yeah you do.

Ex-Ravens starting safety and current Giants backup safety Will Demps has done some modeling, and apparently some plowing as well. In the September Essence he says, regarding groupies:

"I've had my share of fun with these types. I've flown beautiful women with agendas to big games... I've wined and dined them at the fanciest restaurants knowing I could've shared my bed with three at a time... They hang in packs like vultures... posed with breasts spilling out of their shirts... In the end, I know these women can never fulfill a need beyond my libido."

I agree with ESPNs Bill Simmons where he says if you can pass for a professional athlete, you should go to the NBA All-Star Game/Super Bowl/whatever event and try to pass yourself off as one.

Damned if I do...

I'd have written an entry on Madden by now if I had a chance to play it. EA and Sony are admitting the PS3 version is inferior, having been blasted by USA Today, so I bought the 360 version, which I can't play because Microsoft has been fixing my XBox 360 for three weeks.

Your stock is rising Number Two

The Dolphins go to Kansas City tonight to take on the Chiefs in the Trent Green Bowl, who the Chiefs finally traded to the Dolphins for a conditional 2nd day pick. But Green might be beat out for the starters job by Cleo Lemon, a four year veteran out of Arkansas State with one start to his credit, but since that start was week 17 of last year, he is technically the incumbent starting QB. Green left to boos last week after going 6-15 for 60 yards, while Lemon went 5-6 for 56 yards. Something interesting to watch tonight, along with Priest Holmes' comeback.

Russian KGB and Hannibal Lector had it coming, but what did the Holocaust Survivors ever do?

Jonathan Lee Riches is apparently one of the most litigious men in America, filing a plethora of lawsuits from a Virginia jail. In the most famous one, he lists 57 pages of defendants, including a numbers of the deceased, a number of inanimate objects, and, in the case of The Colossus of Rhodes, even some deceased inanimate objects. I kept trying to whittle it down to a list of the particularly comical, but it would become a case of "Well, I can' put Emeka Okafor on my lists of samples and leave off Nordic Gods," and so on.

Own a piece of history

How about this deal posted on craigslist? I took a screen cap because it will be taken down when someone jumps all over this bargain.

The kind of compass R Kelly uses

I saw a trailer for The Golden Compass last night; it looks like it could be this years Lord of the Rings. Daniel Craig (the new Bond) and Nicole Kidman star. The five minute extended preview from Comic-Con is a little more detailed.

Peter King with some food for thought

Peter King released his All-Time Team, All-Current Team, and All-Future Team today. Surprisingly few complaints. For the All-Time team, I'm not a fan of Otto Graham at quarterback, but King has consistently went with Graham over the years and I see where he's coming from, and his other picks are even more defensible. For the current team, I like Brady over Manning, Jamaal Brown over Ogden, Kevin Williams over Warren Sapp, Bart Scott or DeMarcus Ware over Adalius Thomas, and Chris McAlister over Antoine Winfield by a mile. Still, from my top 50 players list I agree with his more often than not for this squad.

His All-Future team has some curious members, though. Joe Thomas over Jamaal Brown is absurd; the Browns will be thrilled if Thomas ever reaches the level Brown played at last year. Marcus McNeil was a rookie Pro Bowler last year as well. Jarvis Moss over any number of young linemen is typical of the media fawning over the Broncos and Mike Shanahan. I'll try to come up with an All-Future Team in the near future.

Just imagine if Vick ruined this guys pants, too

Jonathan Lee Riches is suing Michael Vick for "63,000,000,000.00 billion dollars" because, according to him Vick "stole two white mixed pit bulls... sold my dogs on EBAy Auction, and used the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran Government." All you future Dr. Evils out there take note: think big.

In a related note, I've reported Peyton Manning to Homeland Security due to the acquisition of his laser, rocket arm from North Korea.

D Pizzle back in the hizzle

Dan Patrick is back to host the Dan Patrick Show for the second time since June, presumably until Friday. Just listening to the guest list (Wayne Gretzky, Larry Bird, Billy Crystal, David Stern, Kevin Garnett, Reggie Miller) it's obvious how much better the show is with DP as host. He dropped the name of his new website, not surprisingly name danpatrick.com, which has a mildly amusing video and some classic interviews.

Another reason to hate the French

Retired French army (is that an oxymoron) colonel Michel Fournier is attempting to break the world free-fall record by dropping from an absurd 25 miles above the earth's surface. When I jumped, it was from approximately 14,000 ft, less than three miles. I free-fell for about a minute; Fournier intends to free-fall for six and a half minutes. He expects to reach a top speed of 1,113 mph, well above the speed of sound (932 mph). In the unlikely event that he lives, he can call anybody he meets for the rest of his life a pussy.

Think they like football in Wisconsin?

You've got to love it when a meaningless Packers preseason game beats a meaningful late season Brewers game in the ratings by more than a two to one margin. The PGA Championship drew an rating a little more than half of the Packers game.

How happy is Jerry Jones about the new stadium?

He must have caught hell in the locker room

Profootballtalk has made a comprehensive list of Seinfeld characters and their corresponding NFL personalities. I emailed them last night:

Curtis Enis = Delores (rhymes with body part)

I'm very proud.

Random caffeine fact

Random fact from Elliott in the Morning: 10 cups of coffee have the same amount of caffeine as 13.5 cups of Red Bull and 31 cans of Coke.

I wash my hands of ESPN Radio

I turned on ESPN Radio today in hopes of hearing the dulcet tones of the Dan Patrick, only to be answered by the cacophony of failed Mets GM Steve Phillips's voice. That means predominantly baseball today, by someone who isn't knowledgeable to get a second gig. I'm out, I can't take it anymore, I need a change. Right now, I'm listening to Sporting News Radio in hopes that they talk about sports and have guests who actually have something to say. If this doesn't work out, I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe listen to music.

Ray Lewis's Inspiration

MMFMQB

This is a new feature I'm going to have on Mondays during the football season. It's obviously based loosely on Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback, except better, because I actually watch the games. All the games. This weekend I watched well over 10 hours of football. I basically DVRed the NFL Network all day, and watched the first half of every game, skipping commercials, challenges, and timeouts. Here are my observations, game by game.

Vince Young was suspended by the Titans for Saturday's game, reportedly for sleeping at home instead of the team hotel. Smart move by Fisher: he sends a message to the team to start the post-Pacman era and keeps Vince Young away from the possibility of injury for another week. So the Redskins shouldn't read too much into holding the shorthanded Titans without a TD. Lat year, their Al Saunders offense showed nada in the preseason, and it looks like that will be the case again this year. Jason Campbell continues to show a live arm and excellent pocket awareness. Filling in for the massively overpaid Derrick Dockery, LG Todd Wade looked like a complete matador. Betts looked like he's ready to build on his breakout campaign; he's every bit the player that Portis is at 35 cents on the dollar. Think they don't want that trade back? Best defensive player in the NFL and a 2nd rounder for an above average back? It could be worse: Portis could have a beer belly like Lendale White, who looked like the worst conditioned athlete in the NFL.

The Bengals offense looks to pick up where they left off last season against Detroit, but their backup running backs are like drummers from Spinal Tap. Kenny Irons will miss the season, and Chris Perry will miss at least the first six weeks. Taking into account the Chris Henry suspension and the loss of Eric Steinbach in free agency, they have zero depth on offense. They're one significant injury away from being 8-8 for the fourth time in five years. The Lions, on the other hand, looked like team with a lot of depth on offense. With Mike Furrey, the league leader in catches last year, in the slot, and Tatum Bell in the fold with Kevin Jones and T.J. Duckett, OC Mike Martz has as many weapons to work with as he had in St. Louis. You just know this team is deeply flawed somewhere because Matt Millen put it together, but they have more talent at the skill positions than any team in the NFL, Colts and Patriots included.

The Colts are going to have an adjustment period on defense with five new starters, but they're known for not showing anything in the preseason: they're 1-8 the last two exhibition seasons. Still, Cowboys fans have got to be happy about seeing Romo go 10 out of 11. Both their backs looked sharp and you've got to love their pass rush. They have to be included among the top three of four favorites in the NFC.

Can the same be said about the Saints? It continues to look like they won't be able to stop anybody through the air with maybe the worst secondary in the NFL, but their offense might actually be improved. Robert Meachem looks like a keeper in the slot, even at 80% right now coming off the knee injury. Speaking of which, this is Deuce McAllister's second year since blowing out his ligaments, so he should be 100% this year. The Bills played it close to the vest on offense, but their O-line needs to block better if they want to be in the wild card hunt.

The Patriots could have new faces as their top four wide receivers this year, which may have never been done before. It will be interesting to see if the lack of familiarity manifests itself, because this team looks close to perfect. The Buccaneers Cadillac Williams has fallen so far off the map announcers are calling him Carnell. Don't be surprised in Jeff Garcia turns back into a pumpkin this year; a lot of weak armed rollout passers can look good on the Eagles.

The Bears look the same as last year, except with a little more explosiveness at tight end with Greg Olsen and less depth as RB with the Thomas Jones trade. Cedric Benson looks fine, as long as his teammates don't miss blocks on purpose as had been reported last year. Maybe I'm reading too much into Benson's performance against the Texans, but they've used four straight 1st round picks on D-linemen. Ahman Green was a horrible free agent signing. Owner Bud Adams praised Green's experience during the broadcast, but that's a negative at running back.

The Seahawks don't look like they'll be missing Darrell Jackson too much. Deion Branch looks entrenched as the number one WR, and shouldn't have the butterfingers that Hasselbeck is used to after years of a Jackson led receiving corps leading the NFL in drops. The Chargers LaDainian Tomlinson has the preseason figured out; I don't know if he's ever played.

Why in the hell are the Jets playing Brad Smith 2nd string when they have so much more invested in Kellen Clemens? Clemens looked spectacular, but Smith looked like a Slash type. It's extremely unlikely that Pennington starts 16 games, so this is great news for the Jets. The Falcons look like a team that could challenge for a wild card spot, IF they don't suffer a single injury on an incredibly shallow roster, Dunn doesn't suffer a setback, and 7-9 gets you into the playoffs. Chris Redman is their backup QB! He hasn't been on a roster since 2003!

The Vikings look like they deepest of sleeper teams. You know they're going to bring the D, and you know they'll be able to run the ball, so if Tarvaris Jackson can be as efficient as he was Friday, they'll be among the most improved teams in the league. It looks like the Rams will be using Brian Leonard creatively: H back, from the slot, blocking back, lined out wide, etc. He looks like a great pick, and it's refreshing to see something less vanilla in the preseason.

The Chiefs and Browns looked like potentially the two worst teams in the NFL. If the Chiefs would have stuck with Damon Huard last year, maybe they wouldn't look as crappy as they do now. Among the league leaders in passing efficiency last year, now Brodie Croyle is atop the depth chart without earning it? What type of message does that send to the team? And the Browns has their horrible QBs alternate series. Very amateurish. Joe Thomas looked like a mauler in the running game but looked mechanical as a pass blocker.

Insert quarter

In yesterday's Tennessean, a Vegas bouncer and former pro wrestler like his friend, the man who ended up paralyzed from Pacman Jones' infamous strip club escapade, TNA Wrestling may have something up it's sleev- make that spandex for Pacman.

"Maybe the joke might be on Pacman,'' Petraski said. "Because Jeff knew us and he knew Tom and maybe he is saying, 'Hey, this guy is a clown, let's get him in here and hurt him.'"

If Pacman suffers a serious injury, millions of NFL and strip club fans will have to rethink their positions on religion.

Performance enhancers?

Last night featured the grand unveiling of Wade Phillips' new defense, the Colts defense and offensive line, and the beginning of the first full weekend of football of 2007, but one thing stood out. Make that two. Fox sideline reporter Pam Oliver came up with a distraction to prevent people from staring at her teeth, and they came up strong on Thursday night. Normally, I gaze at her chompers waiting for the scores to scroll across, but now I have to give kudos for Jerry Jones maintaining eye contact.

Damn you Jeter! Damn you to hell!!!

Girlsgonesports is reporting Jessica Alba has a Valtrex prescription, thanks to her relationship with Yankees swordsman Derek Jeter. So, as you can tell from this chart from Holycandy, Jeter could be responsible for giving every hot girl on the face of the earth herpes, single handedly preventing the Oakland A's from being the one team to win a World Series without a top 20 payroll, making it impossible for ARod to coexist with him in New York, and the war in Iraq.

Not to be confused with the Bengals mascot, Smokey McPot

The Pittsburgh Steelers unveiled their new mascot yesterday: Steely McBeam. Hopefully this one will avoid hitting any players with a golf cart. McBeam beat out 70,000 entries that were even gayer, including: Robot Richard Simmons, The Bus's Iron Rod, The Catholic Priest, Hey Kids Take Your Pants Off, Captain Cravencock, and Kordell Stewart.

The top 5 storylines for this coming NFL season

5. The new Mr. Excitement. Vince Young led the Titans to a promising second half last year, winning 8 out of the last 11 and 6 out of the last 7. Now they've lost CB Pacman Jones and WR Drew Bennett and haven't added much besides another layer of fat around Lendale White's ample midsection. Will Vince Young carry this team again, or will a tough schedule lengthen their rebuilding process in Nashville another year?

4. Can you sign this lettuce for me? Peyton Manning and the Colts were the bug while Tom Brady and the Patriots were the windshield until last year, when Reche Caldwell, with eyes halfway out of his head, dropped a series of potentially huge passes, possibly brought on by the postseason return of Colts hard hitting safety Bob Sanders. Now the Colts look to repeat with their starting defensive tackles, corners, left tackle, and leading tackler gone with no replacements except for mid-round draft picks. At least they have the two highest paid players in the NFL in the form of Manning and Dwight Freeney.

3. Just how valuable was Vick? Even before he was linked to dog fighting, Michael Vick was an easy target despite turning around the Falcons and leading them to the NFC Championship game in his first full season and setting the quarterback rushing record last year. If Atlanta goes 2-14 with Joey Harrington at QB as Vick stares down the barrel of a three year bid, will we look back at the wasted potential of Vick as the most spectacular of cautionary tales.

2. Norv gets the keys to the Ferrari. By any measuring stick imaginable Norv Turner as had an inauspicious coaching career, with one playoff appearance in nine seasons. But that was with teams assembled by Dan Snyder and Al Davis. Now he takes the reigns of the talented Chargers where he will actually be expected to win in the regular season and the playoffs, where predecessor Marty Schottenheimer averaged 12 wins over the last three seasons but failed to win a playoff game in five seasons in San Diego.

1. The Odd Couple. When your dapper QB who took less money to stay in New England bemoans the team's lack of a deep threat, and the more dangerous deep threat ever is available for pennies on the dollar, it's normally a match made in heaven. But Randy Moss likes to take plays, games, and in the case of last year, entire seasons off, while the Patriots are as blue collar as they come.

Get your popcorn ready

A public service announcement brought to you by The Skinny Post: tonight, beginning at 8:00 PM EST, the first nationally televised NFL preseason game of the year, Indianapolis at Dallas, will be broadcast on FOX, in HD where available.

Also on this evening, Pacman Jones' debut on TNA Wrestling, on SpikeTV. Warning for those sitting in the first three rows: you may get shot.

When this catches on, Lindsay Lohan will be a respected athlete

Seinfeld casting

I've been working on equating every character on Seinfeld to an NFL personality, inspired by Profootballtalk.com. Here's what I've come up with so far:

• Jerry Seinfeld = Roger Goodell. Both call all the shots in their circle.
• George Constanza = Daniel Snyder. Both huge neurotics.
• Cosmo Cramer = Gene Upshaw. Both seem a little crazy and live fantastic lives without much ability.
• Elaine Benes = Suzi Kolber. They both seem to be kind of easy, comfortable hanging out with the boys.
• Newman = Carl Poston. I can picture him walking into a GM's office, and the GM saying "Hello, Poston!"
• Uncle Leo = Art Modell. Hanging out on the sidelines of training camp, talking to whoever will listen.
• Mr. Pitt = Ralph Wilson (Bills owner). Humorless rich old man.
• Babu Bhatt = Tony Dungy. You're a bad man T.O. for showing flesh on TV before MNF, very bad man
• George Steinbrenner = Drew Rosenhaus. The cadence of their monologues are very similar.
• Kenny Bania = Joe Theismann. Neither can shut up.
• Jackie Childs = Herman Edwards. They look and speak alike.
• Crazy Joe Davola = Joey Porter. Both will walk up and sucker punch you.
  
• Mike Moffit (phony) = Pacman Jones. One takes a parking spot way too seriously, the other take strip clubs way too seriously, both lie to the big guy.
• Mickey Abbott (little person) = Bill Polian. Both have Napoleon complexes.
• The Drake = Peyton Manning. Everyone loves the Peyton.
• Dr. Whatley (anti-dentite) = Tony Kornheiser. Took MNF job just for the jokes.
• Katie (the indecisive agent played by Debra Jo Rupp from That 70s Show) = Joe Segal. Can't take a shit unless it's slotted.
• Sally Weaver (Kathy Griffin) = T.O. Her Jerry routine was very similar to T.O.'s Garcia routine. They both implied that they were gay.
• Sue Ellen Mischke (chocolate heir) = Heather Kozar. Playmate of the Year's hotness caused feud between Tim Couch and Cade McNown, Mischke walking around in a bra hurt Jackie Child's trial.
• Izzy Mandlebaum (Lloyd Bridges) = Mike Ditka. The only NFL personality that I can picture saying "Do you think you're better than me? Watch me lift this radiator above my head!"
• Izzy, Sr. = Al Davis. An older, more stubborn Ditka.

The greatness of Hank, the smallness of Barry

Leave it to Hank Aaron to steal the show last night. After Bonds rounded the bases, somehow manages to ignore his son who was waiting at home plate so he can perform a look at me point to the sky, (the same son that he used as a buffer while dealing with the media when his mistress became public) and made to mention nor gesture toward his teammates (slides 6 and 9), (who admittedly reacted similar to Bud Selig when he tied the record) the P.A. announcer directed the audience toward the Jumbotron for a special message from... Hank Aaron!

The crowd erupted as the Hammer basically said congratulations for breaking my record, you've hit more home runs than anyone, and that includes a lot of guys who were really good at hitting home runs. It was respectful, it didn't mention the cloud of suspicion, it wasn't meant to take the spotlight away from Barry, and when we look back on the soundbite years from now nothing will come across as ironic with the backdrop of the steroid era.

Something entertaining from ESPN Entertainment?

I've been a big fan of the ESPN miniseries The Bronx is Burning, but last night they truly outdid themselves. Oliver Platt as George Steinbrenner and John Turturro as Billy Martin acted out one of the all-time commercials, their Miller Lite "Tastes Great/Less Filling" argument. Absolutely one of the great scenes in television over the last five years.

Art of the deal

I noticed on Slickdeals.net last night how some customers were able to finagle the NFL Network for free until the end of the year since it was placed on a more expensive tier of channels if they were previously paying for the channel and now would have to pay more, so I rehearsed what I was going to say and made the call.

Me: I used to get the NFL Network but now I don't since it was placed on a more expensive tier of channels. (I've never paid for the NFL Network on principle, I'm B.S.ing)

Comcast: Yes, as part of out sports entertainment package for $5 a month you can get the NFL Network, NBATV, [and seven other channels].

Me: But I understand there's some promotion where you can get the NFL Network for free. (Fingers crossed)

Comcast: Well, that promotion expired but there is one going on right now where you can pay $1.99 [total] for the NFL Network for a year.

Me: Does this lock you in for a year? (My lease expires soon and I'm not sure if I'll be there in two months) Or do you pay $2 a month for up to a year?

Comcast: No, you pay $1.99 and then you have the NFL Network for a year.

Me: (Tiger Woods fist pump) I'd like to sign up for that, please.

So I've finally got the NFL Network, where I can go to sleep to the dulcet tones of Adam Schefter. I order pizza like this as well if I don't have a coupon: I call the place and ask if they have a ludicrous offer, and they usually respond that I must be thinking of their best offer at that time.

Our first huge training camp injury of the year?

The Saints' LT Jamaal Brown was carted off the field today with what could turn out to be a serious knee injury. Many would say their best player was Drew Brees or Reggie Bush because those are the guys in commercials, but Brown is the premier LT in the NFL and absolutely indispensable. (I name him the 18th best player in the NFL recently) If he's out for the year New Orleans is sunk... Maybe that was a bad choice of words?

Dr. Quinn, throws like a woman

Fox Sports' Jay Glazer reported that the Browns have finally come to terms with Brady Quinn, who dropped to the 22nd pick. Quinn decided to celebrate by grabbing some man meat.Yes, the pic is real and that's him on the right.

The trouble with milestones

This weekend ESPN's Erin Andrews conducted a sideline interview with gifted thespian Jon Lovitz at a Padres/Giants game, and Lovitz basically said everyone in baseball was cheating so let's celebrate Bonds breaking the most hallowed (and hollowed) record in sports, an opinion shared by many celebrities, especially those of the B-list variety and everyone associated with covering MLB in the media. On the Dan Patrick Show today, Mike Tirico opined that everyone should be happy to donate historic home run balls to the Hall of Fame as if it were some church, which actually counters Barry Bonds' recommendation to sell them.

I'm as big a sports fan as there is, but I don't understand the reverence being thrown around now just when someone reaches a milestone. Tom Glavine has been as reliable a pitcher in the regular and post seasons as anyone over the last 15 years, yet he's only now reached greatness because his win total reached 300? This is madness! It's the same in the case of Michael Vick: he's the devil incarnate because he's facing federal charges, but after the feds raided his house and reports surfaced of Ookie being a giant in the dog fighting community he was just another wayward athlete?

With Bonds this trend is particularly troubling, because celebrating the home run record could send the message to little leaguers that steroids can lead to wealth and fame. There are people lined up on Baseball Tonight and on Fox Sports that don't think steroids should be mentioned in Giants broadcasts right now, the same people that vilified Jim Gray for asking Pete Rose some hard questions as he was announced as part of MLB's All-Century Team. Why doesn't anyone want to actually report on sports instead of act as cheerleaders? The answer is obvious: since ESPN and Fox Sports broadcast MLB games, they to lose more than they stand to gain by being critical of a product that they help distribute. Ever since ESPN took Playmakers off the air it's been downhill for sports media. It's like media channels can't wait to sell out.

Your All Turd Team

Profootballtalk has released their all-time turd team, and there's no shortage of Redskins. Jeff George, Michael Westbrook, Albert Connell, Kenyatta Jones, Daryl Gardener, the late Darrell Russell, Sean Taylor, and Dexter Manley made the squad. All of these miscreants except for Manley played for the Skins since Daniel Snyder bought the team, and all of those except for Westbrook and Connell were acquired under Snyder. Now Snyder seems to have learned his lesson since Taylor is the only one left, and the Gardener and Russell signings did work out, but that's a lot of assholes that were signed in a relatively short amount of time.

Everybody Loves Gilbert

If you haven't kept up with Agent Zero's blog over the last week you are missing out. To inaugurate Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, he posted that he doesn't believe that there is any such thing as shark attacks, because the people who get bit are invading the sharks' space, so the sharks are defending their space.

"So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.

A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack."

Apparently this was similar to a comedy routine by Ian Edwards, and he was very mildly criticized on PTI for stealing the bit for his blog. So Arenas shot back.

"Listen, nobody even heard of Ian Edwards before me. He’s no Chris Rock. I helped him become famous. Now everybody is going to YouTube and looking him up.

The joke was worth about $7 when I heard it, now that I’ve used it’s probably worth a little bit more. I’ll sell it back to him for $7.78. Seventy-eight cents, Ian, you can put that in a royalties check made out to me.

Puffy and Ashanti made careers out of stealing other people’s beats. This is America, the land of the reused."

Mad props to Arenas for having a personality and providing such frequent updates to his blog. I steal all kinds of stuff for my blog; I typically give credit but not always. Oden seems to be a pleasant guy and Schilling is as opinionated as they get, but their blogs are nowhere near as entertaining as peaking into Hibachi's mind.

WTF is this mascot's problem?

The Mariners Moose made headlines before when he broke his ankle in 1995 while being towed on roller blades, and a mascot has injured an athlete while driving a vehicle on the field before, last year when the Titans mascot hit Saints QB Adrian McPherson with a golf cart in a preseason game, (which unfortunately was not captured by video) so how the hell does this happen again?

Come back soon D Pizzle

Counting today, there are only ten episodes left of the Dan Patrick Show. Since he announced, well, that he was going to make an announcement, he's only hosted his show once, to make the announcement that August 17th would be his last show. As was speculated by Profootballtalk, he will next appear on a national syndicated radio show, much like Jim Rome. But Content Factory will also try to distribute the new "Big Show" via "television, internet, podcasts, infopods, mobil devices and beyond."

He can't come back on the air fast enough, this lack of quality sportstalk radio is killing me. Colin Cowherd, John Seibel, Steve Czaban, and Doug Gottlieb lack Patrick's sense of humor and ability to transition. Patrick recently sat down to do an interview where he revealed his final guest, "a man who I think provided the template of how to be a broadcaster in my opinion. I have great admiration for his command of the English language, other languages and his on-camera presence... Ron Burgundy."

Are you ready for some football?

In a busy weekend in sports, one event stood out as the big story, the one that got my readers and I excited, must see TV, the one event that moved the dial: I am of course referring to the meaningless Hall of Fame game, the start of the NFL preseason. The NFL is back.

I have been relegated to watching baseball games and stale sitcoms since David Stern took any chance the Suns had of maintaining home court against the Spurs, and right now I would watch a professional football game between the residents of two retirement communities right now over watching another San Francisco Giants game or Family Guy. But I did learn one lesson about baseball this summer: the difference in production value of broadcasts varies greatly from team to team. Yankees, Red Sox, and Dodgers games are broadcast in HD, feature sideline reporters who can report on injuries, and bring legitimate stars into the booth: in the last month new Celtics Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett have sat in the NESN booth for an inning or two a piece.

Watching the Redskins/Ravens scrimmage Saturday on MASN, I wasn't blown away in terms of production value, but I wasn't disappointed either. I've watched intrasquad scrimmages of Green Bay Packers, the NFL team in the smallest market with the poorest ownership, and it was similarly produced. NFL preseason games are normally shown on the NFL network with the broadcast team of one side in the first half, and the opposing team's broadcast in the second. I defy viewers to notice a difference in production value.

In MLB, if you're a fan of the Royals, or Marlins, or Pirates, all of whom have won the World Series, in terms of television and radio coverage it feels like the minor leagues when compared to the Yankees or Red Sox. Of course, those teams' payrolls are between 10%-25% of the payrolls of the Yankees and Red Sox. In the NFL, Saints or Packers broadcasts are as professional as Giants or Jets broadcasts. For the most part, every NFL teams' payroll is approximately the same. This is a big reason why fans of teams in every market can be excited about the regular season (because their teams have a legitimate chance to win the Super Bowl) and the offseason. (because their teams have a chance to sign marquee free agents)

Over eight grand a pitch

You can't blame the Rocket for doing it for the money. The Yankees offered $28 million prorated, the Red Sox came in second with $18 million. And you can't blame the Yankees, who have bottomless resources and wretched pitching that was at it's nadir at the time. But the Clemens comeback sure looks like a train wreck now. After yesterday's shellacking Clemens' ERA stands at 4.23, Honda results for Hummer prices. And just how high are those prices? Clemens was added to the active roster June 9th, and since then the Yankees have played 49 games. (The salary didn't kick in until Clemens was added to the major league roster) During that time Clemens has earned $8,469,135.80. (49/162 * $28,000,000) That works out to $2,823,045.27 per win, $705,761.32 per start, $128,320.24 per inning, and $8,096.69 per pitch.

Strahan to DC? Ex-wife offers to pack for him

Adam Schefter mentioned the Redskins as a possible landing spot for Giants DE Michael Strahan if he is able to force a trade. It's a perfect fit: Strahan is a star way past his prime who loves to talk to the media and needs money, and Daniel Snyder loves to pay stars way past their prime who love to talk to the media.

Brady needs to be punched

When the Browns traded up in the draft to end the slide of Brady Quinn they were just about unanimously praised by draft analysts. When his throws were knocked down by the wind like wounded ducks at minicamp doubts about the move started to surface. Now that he's whining that he should be paid like a top 10 pick or like a starting NFL quarterback, there's no way the Browns would make the trade if they had to do it over.

"I'd love to be there competing for the starting job," said Quinn, who has missed the first four days of camp. "But it's a long contract, and I have to make sure it's fair in the event I become the starter." When Tom Brady, the 199th pick of the 2000 Draft, signed his deal, I don't think he had such concerns. The difference is that Quinn, a 1st round pick, is expected to earn the starting job at some point; that's why he was a 1st rounder. If the team hoped that he would maybe, eventually he could be in a competition for the starting job, he would have been a fifth rounder like Heisman trophy winner Troy Smith. Rex Grossman, the 22nd pick (same as Quinn) in 2003, signed a market value contract and started every game for a Super Bowl team. And say what you will about Grossman, but he's never bitched about his contract.

Another reason to be down on Quinn: he was at an autograph signing at a Cleveland mall, fees ranged from $75 to $225. In my younger days I paid for a few autographs at card shows, which I now regret. Always baseball players, where football players' autographs were always free. Mike Mussina for $10 at a Virginia card show, Joe Morgan for $12 at a Maryland card show, and $5 I deeply regret for Arthur Rhodes at a Pikesville card show. A free, sponsored Jeff Bostic signing at a Giant, Mark Rypien at a Nordstroms, Darrell Green at a Macy's, and of course everyone besides Art Monk at training camp. But $75 for a guy who doesn't go in the top 20? Get real.

Rough week for the Twin Cities

It was already a rough week for Minnesota sports fans. Vikings running back Chester Taylor was carted off the field Tuesday with what turned out to be a minor arm injury. Twins ace Johan Santana expressed dissatisfaction with the Twins subtracting payroll at the trade deadline, implying that he would look to sign with a big market club after his contract runs out next year. Their WNBA team, the Lynx, are coming off a 10 game losing streak. And Kevin Garnett, their most recognizable athlete, was traded for five players no one's ever heard of.

And then a bridge collapsed during rush hour.

At the moment, the Star Tribune is reporting 4 dead, 20 missing, and 6 in the hospital with life threatening injuries due to the collapse. This makes me more scared to cross bridges than 9/11 had me scared of flying/landmarks, although not as scared as the sniper made me to get gas. I like my collapsed bridges to be caused by Magneto, Akira, or possibly someone chasing Arnold Schwarzenegger or Tom Cruise, not "structural deficiency."

Official Dark Knight Trailer

It doesn't show anything, but it's the first we've heard of Heath Ledger as the Joker. It was first shown this past weekend at Comic-Con and a bootleg copy made the rounds, but this is the official version.

This video has the teaser's audio, but with images from the Batman bible, The Dark Knight Returns.

Gyllenhaal to play Namath, Tom Cruise angling for Suzi Kolber role

Jake Gyllenhaal has landed the role of Joe Namath for an upcoming biopic about the New York media created star quarterback. For anyone below 40, his drunken come on to Suzi Kolber is the salient memory of Broadway Joe.

In related news, I found a great list of the top 10 embarrassing TV/Radio interview moments in sports. A little hard on Lasorda and Roy Williams, but the holy trinity of Jim Everett, Jim Calhoun, and Jim Mora are accounted for.

Bad Boys 3

It looks like they're doing a Bad Boys 3 with an all NFL cast. Looks like there's some on set issues, though.

Any dogs in the house?

Philadelphiaeagles.com has shockingly not taken down an 2004 interview where Dorsey Levens revealed he's sold Michael Vick dogs:

PE.com: You are part-owner of a dog-training company called Premier K9. Talk about how you got started with that.

DL: "It was just a business opportunity. I had a dog that was just obnoxious. I couldn't stand the dog and my girlfriend at the time wouldn't let me get rid of it. Art Washington trained the dog to perfection in two weeks. He was simply incredible. He could do anything with dogs. I've seen him give demonstrations. We've built up a relationship over the course of a year. The opportunity came up where another kennel had closed and it was a smart business move. It was an easy investment..."

PE.com: Michael Vick of the Atlanta Falcons is another customer. Did you think of not training his dog so it would attack him?

DL: "No, no. It's all business. Mike is a big dog person. Actually, he wants to open up a kennel of his own and that is in the works."

Even more shocking is that Vick is still pictured as a satisfied customer. But maybe he's now the ultimate endorser of dog training, because however despicable the charges against Vick, according to the indictment his dogs did win way more often than they lost. For all we know he's like the Michael Jordan of dog fighting, or that girl from Dancing with the Stars who coached Drew Lachey and Emmitt Smith.

The Juice needs better call screeners

Apparently O.J. Simpson was on a live call in show, where he was asked "My kid Chris was wondering, do you think it was a bigger feat to break 2,000 yards in one season, or slice two necks in one night?" Another gem: "You played for the 49ers, right? Did you kill Bill Walsh?" TMZ has the video; making fun of O.J. will never go out of style. There's no People for the Ethical Treatment of Hall of Fame Running Backs/Murderers non profit organization.