Dreamcatchers work. If your dream is being gay.

I watched Important Things with Demetri Martin last night and he might single handedly saving sketch comedy and the one liner. This commercial actually made me cry. I shit you not.

Important Things with Demetri MartinWed 10:30pm / 9:30c

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The greatest commercial ever

Brightening the affront to taste that was last night's MNF snoozer was the most spectacular commercial I've ever seen, a spectacular display of product placement that made me reconsider my decision to bypass Guitar Hero World Tour.

Dumbledore Calrissian

Like Lil' Bush without the evil

I'd like to be invited to a Oaks Christian High School party. Not to try to feed alcohol to underage girls, or at least that wouldn't be the only reason. Because the sons of Joe Montana, Wayne Gretzky, and Will Smith are on the football team, so I imagine the parties have some spectacular catering.

It seems the 6'2" Nicholas Montana has transferred to the Westlake Village, CA private school where he will compete with Trevor Gretzky, for playing time behind starter Tony Macarena (no connection to the song by Los del Rio), who is throwing to Trey Smith. Notre Dame starting QB Jimmy Clausen was named USA Today Offensive Player of the Year there for the 2006 season.

All of this begs the question (posed by Puck Daddy): Wayne Gretzky's Waikiki Hockey versus Joe Montana's "I'll be in my room masturbating" versus Barkley vs. Barney versus Michael Jordan on Super Fans for best athlete SNL skit? If you're wondering where Peyton Manning is, check the videos and transcripts to see how far the once mighty Saturday Night Live has fallen.

Coming September 2008

Richard Simmons called, he wants you to tone it down a notch

Here's a clip of Mike and Mike getting beaten up by some old lady. I can't tell if it's from a documentary about gay sportscasters or if it's a clip from a soap opera because their thespian skills are just that sublime.

The Apocalypse is upon us

I've seen stats and I've seen stats, but I just saw a number that blew my mind. Sunday's Pro Bowl drew a 6.9 rating, the highest of any sporting event this weekend. Wow. That's better than the NBA Finals. I repeat: better than the NBA Finals.

Will David Shula ever recover?

Profootballtalk just posted a spectacular old school video of an interview with Brett Favre after he got his first regular season action in relief on Don "Magic Man" Majkowski in 1992. Favre has started every regular season and playoff game for the Packers since. And O.J.'s in it too.

R.I.P. Inside the NFL

Tonight marks the final episode of HBO's Inside the NFL, after 31 years of bringing postgame highlights and analysis. The problem is ESPN alone has at least five shows that follow the same template, and they're on basic cable. Bob Costas, Dan Marino, Cris Collinsworth, and Peter King can focus on their other television gigs. The loser here is Cris Carter, who missed out on the Hall of Fame and now has to hope for a studio gig to open up or roll up another barcalounger to The Best Damn Sports Show. But if there's any justice in this world the NFL Network will be looking for a replacement for Bryant Gumble, and perhaps Collinsworth can slide over to do the play-by-play and Carter can do the color.

The day in commercials

Two commercials stood out for me as being excellent, and one stood out for being awful. The Audi commercial spoofing The Godfather was brilliant. I've seen it at least 20 times, so as soon as they showed the establishing shot of Jack Wolfe's mansion I instantly said "The Godfather." But I do realize there are people who can't replay that movie in their head at will who may not find it as amusing. The other commercial that I'm still buzzing about is the trailer for Wanted, starring Angelina Jolie and James McAvoy, and directed by Timur Bekmambetov. That mouthful also directed the Night Watch trilogy, high octane vampire movies.

The worst commercial by far is the incredibly racist Salesgenie panda commercial. I mean, wow, how the hell did they let that on the air but GoDaddy has to tone their commercial down. The only thing that could have made it worse was if they ran a laundromat instead of a furniture store.

The Star-Telegram unloads on Emmitt

It's pretty damning when the paper in the where you're a demigod says "to call him inept insults inept people." Ouch. Here's the four Emmitt Smith lines the Fort Worth Star-Telegram points out.

About Green Bay's Donald Driver, Smith said: "Tonight he's looking to get back to paydirt so he can right size the ship right now."

About the Cowboys' quarterback, Smith said: "Tony Romo has the mentality to have the sense to make the play."

When asked to summarize his thoughts in two words, he once said, "Cowboys lose big-time."

And about this season's grand possibilities, Smith said, "If you want to stay perfect, you can not go undefeated with a blemish on your record."

It's one thing when Profootballtalk and SI unload on you, but when a Dallas newspaper says "Smith has dispelled most of the belief and trust he started with," it starts to affect endorsement opportunities and possibly his businesses. ESPN needs to man up and pull the plug on this experiment.

Highest rated regular season game ever

Bloomberg confirmed that the Patriots/Colts game was the highest rated game on CBS's records, watched in 22.5% of homes in the top 56 markets. Fox's highest rated regular season game is a 1996 Cowboys/49ers (Dallas won 20-17) matchup had a rating of 22.2. The NLCS drew a 2.8 rating, the World Series drew a 10.6, and last year's World Series drew a 10.1. Last year's NBA Finals drew a 6.2. These numbers are real, and they're spectacular.

Milli Vanilli moment?

A few years ago Ed Werder, ESPN's one legitimate reporter, claimed the Colts piped in crowd noise to make the RCA Dome louder for opponents. Colts officials were shocked at the allegations, and ESPN refused to back Werder. Flash forward to yesterday. At the start of the fourth quarter, their was some type of feedback loop for the crowd noise, or perhaps a CD skipping. Profootballtalk has jumped on this (click here for the mp3), I found another link on a blog for 850 AM in North Carolina, and Dan Patrick mentioned it on his radio show. I expect this story to get bigger throughout the week, and to either disappear or continue for a few weeks based on the plausibility of the Colts explanation.

Notorious D.E.S.T.R.O.

This is the funniest video I've seen in months. Contains NSFW language.

Cleveland the only market in the U.S. that won't show Pats/Colts

Since Texans/Raiders won't be a sell out and will be blacked out in Oakland, and Houston CBS affiliates will simulcast the Patriots and Colts on cable, Cleveland will be the only market in the U.S. that won't be able to watch Colts/Pats. It seems that they can't go against the Browns home game.

Here's the Cleveland Indians' reaction to the news:
And here's how the Cleveland Browns are taking it:

Payback for Beckham?

Maybe Giants/Dolphins looked like a halfway attractive matchup eight months ago, but it didn't look that way at any point in the last two months yet that's what England and Americans without Direct TV were subjected to Sunday afternoon. How is a 13-10 snoozefest supposed to drum up any interest in our number three domestic resource (behind feature films and smugness).

And I can't remember a worst string of nationally televised games than the run we're on right now. Not since week 3's epic Green Bay/San Diego game have I been able to watch Sunday's day games from my couch without cursing Fox, CBS, and the NFL for subjecting me to mismatches between large market teams. Thank goodness for the flex scheduling - starting week 11 NBC will pick which games to televise Sunday Nights with some exemptions.

This team needs its own sitcom

Watching an piece on Jeanie Buss last night on ESPN, I was shocked how similar she looked to Jan from The Office. Which of course makes Phil Jackson Michael Scott. Down the roster and into the front office, there are numerous parallels between the Lakers and the workers at Dunder Mifflin. As great as The Office is, how entertaining would a Lakers sitcom be?

Jeanie Buss = Jan Levinson-Gould. The resemblance is uncanny. Jeanie is a woman in the male dominated world of sports management, Jan was a woman in the male dominated world of corporate management.
Jan: Michael, come over after work tonight. I miss your…body.
Michael: I dunno. I feel…I drive a lot. I’m spending a fortune on gas…
Jan: I’ll give you $200. If I get up before you I’ll leave it on the dresser.
Michael: I dunno…that makes me kind of uncomfortable…
Jan: $300?

Phil Jackson = Michael Scott. They're both the boss of their team and were/are dating their boss. Phil has written multiple bestsellers, Michael wrote Threat Level: Midnight. Phil's unusual motivational techniques have included comparing Rick Adelman to Hitler; Michael's unusual motivational techniques have included comparing slavery to the Holocaust.
Michael: Olympics of suffering right here! Slavery versus the Holocaust, come on!

Michael: Why don’t we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship.

Kobe Bryant = Jim Halpert. They're both Philadelphia natives. Kobe used to live in Italy, Jim used to date an Italian girl. Kobe helped orchestrate Shaq's trade to Miami, Jim's relationship with Pam led to Roy's firing. This of course makes Vanessa Pam and the girl from Colorado Karen.
Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations Universe, you win.

Shaquille O'Neal = Roy Anderson. Neither are part of the team anymore. Shaq drives a Superman Ford Expedition, Roy drove a Ford pickup in season one. Shaq hates training camp, Roy hates Dunder-Mifflin get-togethers.
Roy: I am going to kill Jim Halpert.

Kwame Brown = Meredith Palmer. Kwame is coming back from offseason shoulder and ankle surgery, Meredith is coming off of rabies and a cracked pelvis. Kwame was charged in connection with a DUI in the offseason and was investigated for sexual assault, Meredith is an alcoholic and sex addict.
Meredith: You know what? Don’t even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk I bet no one even remembers a word you said.

Meredith: The uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Lamar Odom = Kevin Malone. Both are bald and seem to have facial expressions limited to a smile and scowl. Odom has averaged 64 games played a season due to a series of injuries, Kevin suffers from anal fissures. Odom loves to sing, Kevin is in a band.
Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Kurt Rambis = Dwight Schrute. Rambis preceded Jackson as coach of the Lakers, and Jackson kept him on as an assistant. Just like Dwight has the bogus title "Assistant to the Regional Manager," Rambis was recently named "Vice President of Business and Basketball Integration." Rambis's nickname is Rambo, Dwight has his own crossbow range.
Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like…Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Andrew Bynum = Ryan Howard. Bynum was the youngest player in the league the last two seasons, Ryan is the youngest guy in corporate. Bynum has seen a meteoric rise from high schooler to a valued Lakers asset they wouldn't trade for Jason Kidd, Ryan has seen a meteoric rise from intern to corporate.
Ryan: If I had to I could clean out my desk in 5 seconds and nobody would know I had ever been here. And I’d forget too…

Vladimir Radmanovic = Kelly Kapoor. Radmanovic is Serbian, Kelly is Indian. Radmanovic lied about a shoulder injury so the Lakers wouldn't void his contract, Kelly lied about being pregnant so Ryan would talk to her. Radmanovic averaged career lows across the board last season, Ryan dumped Kelly last season.
Kelly: If Ryan is laid off I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet (the Claire Danes one).

Mitch Kupchak = Toby Flenderson. Just as Toby often stands in the way of Michael's schemes, Kupchak's horrible trades have stood in the way of Phil Jackson coaching a productive team. Of course, it made more sense for Toby to frown upon the Boy Scouts coming to Casino Night than for Kupchak to trade Caron Butler for Kwame Brown.
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know...there's gambling and alcohol...and it's in our dangerous warehouse...it's a school night, and you know, uh... Hooters is catering. You know, is that not—is that enough? Should I keep going?

Derek Fisher = Stanley Hudson. Fisher asked to be released from the Jazz and signed with the Lakers so he could be at a city with facilities to care for his daughter, and Stanley has a game "called work hard so your children can go to college.”
Stanley: This here is a “run-out-the-clock” situation. Just like upstairs.

Luke Walton = Creed Bratton. The combination of Walton's dad being a hippie and the rumor of Luke dating Britney Spears make him the only Laker potentially dirty enough to compare to Creed.
Creed: I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the 60s I made love to many, many women – often outdoors in the mud and the rain – and it’s possible that a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing...

Brian Grant = Oscar Martinez. Brian Grant was paid an ungodly sum by the Heat, much of which he earned from the bench, Oscar got a three month vacation so he wouldn't sue.
Kevin: Hello Oscar, how was your gay-cation?
Oscar: That’s very funny.
Kevin: Yeah? I thought of that, like, two seconds after you left.

Is James Lipton gonna have to choke a bitch?

Inside the Actor's Studio host James Lipton admitted on Thursday's Conan O' Brien that he was he a pimp in Paris. Literally.

"This was when I was very very young, living in Paris, penniless, unable to get any kind of working permit... I had a friend who worked in what is called the Milieu, which is that world and she suggested to me one night, `Look, you'll be my meck... We would translate it perhaps... as pimp. We were earning our living together, this young woman and I, we made a rather good living, I must say."

In honor of this revelation, here are Pimp James Lipton's answers to the famous ten questions, compiled by Bernard Pivot.

What is your favorite word?
Trick.

What is your least favorite word?
Pregnant.

What turns you on?
Stacks of chedder.

What turns you off?
Stretch marks.

What is your favorite curse word?
Bitch, as in "bitch better have my money" or "bottom bitch."

What sound or noise do you love?
The sound of a car window rolling down.

What sound or noise do you hate?
The sound of the back of my hand across some trick's face.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
To interview our greatest actors and directors to educate and entertain.

What profession would you not like to attempt?
Bottom bitch.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
How much for an hour with Jodie Foster?

The funniest thing I've ever heard Steven Colbert say

Flash back to July 31, 2002. The figure skating world was rocked by the pairs figure skating scandal.

thedailyshow.com just launched and it is outstanding. It seems like they've got the show's entire catalogue on demand.

She ain't my ho no mo

I usually stay away from the celeb gossip, but if Tony Romo's play falls off in the next month this story will dominate Cowboys football news. Plus I get to use this clever title. It sounds like American Idol hottie Carrie Underwood has moved on from Romo to some guy I've never heard of on a show I've never heard of with a haircut that probably costs more than the computer I'm typing this on. Regarding Underwood, Romo said "We're friends," but if blondie calls him on a Monday morning complaining about this pretty boy ditching her to play poker with Jake Gyllenhaal when he's high on painkillers with an Osi Umenyiora imprint on his lower back, I have a feeling the friendship will be strained. Not that I'm bitter.