Teen Wolf in the news

In a move that sounds remarkably like an episode of Family Guy, Tampa DE Greg White has changed his names to Stylez G. White, a moniker in honor of the best friend (outside of his platonic friend Boof) of Michael J. Fox's character from the ridiculous 80s movie Teen Wolf. Which leads to an obvious question - is it more cool or less cool that he acknowledges that it's in honor of Teen Wolf. Had he not mentioned it, I would have assumed it was in honor of Furious Styles from Boyz n the Hood. Hmmm. I'm going to have to say it makes him less cool.

No amount of Old Spice swagger will make up for this

In what has vaulted past Tatum Bell stealing Rudi Johnson's bags and Brett Favre breaking down Packers' tendencies with the Lions as the NFL story of the year, Brian Urlacher's baby momma has accused him and his current girlfriend of painting his three year old son's toenails are putting him in pink Cinderella diapers.

Yeah. And you thought Michael Strahan's ex wife was a bitch. Well, maybe that's just how the most overrated linebacker in the NFL (yet only the second most overrated linebacker taken in the 2000 draft) was raised.

Like Lil' Bush without the evil

I'd like to be invited to a Oaks Christian High School party. Not to try to feed alcohol to underage girls, or at least that wouldn't be the only reason. Because the sons of Joe Montana, Wayne Gretzky, and Will Smith are on the football team, so I imagine the parties have some spectacular catering.

It seems the 6'2" Nicholas Montana has transferred to the Westlake Village, CA private school where he will compete with Trevor Gretzky, for playing time behind starter Tony Macarena (no connection to the song by Los del Rio), who is throwing to Trey Smith. Notre Dame starting QB Jimmy Clausen was named USA Today Offensive Player of the Year there for the 2006 season.

All of this begs the question (posed by Puck Daddy): Wayne Gretzky's Waikiki Hockey versus Joe Montana's "I'll be in my room masturbating" versus Barkley vs. Barney versus Michael Jordan on Super Fans for best athlete SNL skit? If you're wondering where Peyton Manning is, check the videos and transcripts to see how far the once mighty Saturday Night Live has fallen.

This is exactly why Jeter doesn't date beauty queens any more

I saw this story on The Feed and couldn't decide if it was hot or scary. Kumari Fulbright competed for Miss Arizona in 2004 and 2005 and is currently a University of Arizona Law student.

Fulbright invited the man to her apartment, then excused herself to shower, said police spokesman Sgt. Fabian Pacheco. Then two men showed up and bound him with plastic ties and duct tape, accused him of taking the jewelry, and threatened to shoot him with pistols, Pacheco said...

"He has some bite marks on him, evident and consistent with his account, and his hands were red and swollen, consistent with someone who had been tied up," Pacheco said.

A police complaint said the suspects stole the victim's wallet, money clip with $500 to $600, and his cell phone and briefcase.

Fulbright's phone is out of service and her apartment was unoccupied Wednesday, without any furniture. Efforts also were made to contact her through MySpace.com.

Sucks to be tied up by two big dudes, but it would be pretty cool to be the guy that turned the happy gun-toting Elle Woods into one of the immortals from 300, though.

Introducing, Lord and Lady Douche Bag

The Principality of Sealand is offering buy 1 get 1 free on Lord and Ladyships. It will run you £19.99 + £3.95 S/H, so about $50, but there is a 10% off coupon code wintershopcodes. Sealand is 550 square meters, basically just a platform built for World War II.

My dad loves to say "Lord and Lady Douche Bag" when he enters the room, so this might be the ideal Christmas gift for him. I don't know if my mom will acknowledge their sovereignty, though.

Best. Booking error. Ever.

I saw this in Dave Barry's blog. For her son's 16th birthday, a British woman booked a guy in a gorilla suit to surprise her son in drama class.

"But - thanks to what has been put down as a booking error - a female stripper turned up in place of the gorilla-suited man the unnamed mother had apparently asked for.

The stripper, who arrived on cue halfway through the lesson, first walked the birthday boy around the classroom on all fours.

Then, gyrating to the sounds of Britney Spears, she spanked him before stripping down to her bra and knickers and insisting the "naughty" schoolboy rub cream all over her body."

That kind of reminds me of the time my parents meant to take me out to Cheesecake Factory for my birthday, but instead I accidentally spent $200 on lap dances and $9 Heinekens at Night Shift. Allegedly.

Zombietown USA

Apparently, there's a small town in Florida near the Alabama border where it became fashionable to lose a limb and collect on insurance. In fact, "more than two-thirds of all loss-of-limb accident claims in the United States in the late '50s and early '60s come from the Florida Panhandle." Renowned documentary filmmaker Errol Morris (The Thin Blue Line, The Fog of War) attempted to make a documentary about this twisted town, but while sitting at a bar, "a citizen twice Morris's size smiled as he extinguished a cigarette on the lapel of Morris's blazer." He ended up releasing Vernon, Florida without any "Nub City" references, but a white trash expose:

What Morris produced instead was 56 minutes of surreal monologues from an idle police officer, an obsessive turkey hunter, a pastor fixated on the word "therefore," a couple convinced that the sand they keep in a jar is growing, and, among others, an old man who claims he can write with both hands at once... Roger Ebert called it an "unforgettable film."

The thought of seeing these Jerry Springer watchers limping around the streets to go to the corner store and drop blood money on beef jerky is scarier to me than any zombie flick. Maybe I've led a privileged life but never in my wildest dreams have I considered shooting off a part of my body for money. I remember seeing an episode of ER like this, where some strung out couple needed money to score a fix. Even for them, your left hand has to be worth something pretty significant.

Is James Lipton gonna have to choke a bitch?

Inside the Actor's Studio host James Lipton admitted on Thursday's Conan O' Brien that he was he a pimp in Paris. Literally.

"This was when I was very very young, living in Paris, penniless, unable to get any kind of working permit... I had a friend who worked in what is called the Milieu, which is that world and she suggested to me one night, `Look, you'll be my meck... We would translate it perhaps... as pimp. We were earning our living together, this young woman and I, we made a rather good living, I must say."

In honor of this revelation, here are Pimp James Lipton's answers to the famous ten questions, compiled by Bernard Pivot.

What is your favorite word?
Trick.

What is your least favorite word?
Pregnant.

What turns you on?
Stacks of chedder.

What turns you off?
Stretch marks.

What is your favorite curse word?
Bitch, as in "bitch better have my money" or "bottom bitch."

What sound or noise do you love?
The sound of a car window rolling down.

What sound or noise do you hate?
The sound of the back of my hand across some trick's face.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
To interview our greatest actors and directors to educate and entertain.

What profession would you not like to attempt?
Bottom bitch.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
How much for an hour with Jodie Foster?

Armless man beats someone to death

There are some stupid ways to die, stuff you'd hate to be in your obituary, but this might take the cake:

Relatives of Charles Keith Teer, 47, claim he died after the armless man, William Russell Redfren, head-butted and kicked Teer during a fight.

Granted, Teer died of a heart attack, but the headline still reads "Armless Artist Questioned In Neighbor's Death." Apparently, the armless man was dating the deceased ex-girlfriend. And since he didn't treat her like he used ta, the armless guy kicked him like a turboboosta. I've been able to find a picture of the suspect, he looks like quite the troublemaker.