The smiling idiot will be played by the understudy

I just saw this on Withleather; I still can't believe this stiff is the third highest paid player in the NFL (Manning, Roethlisberger).

Getting the band back together

The Washington Capitals have but one free agent left to sign, first pair defenceman Shaone Morrisonn, and are $332,788 under the cap, safely assuming Brian Pothier is placed on long-term injured reserve. If Sami Lepisto and his $700,000 is left off the roster, a safe assumption after general manager George McPhee said the team was looking to carry six or seven defencemen this coming season, then the Caps are over a million under the cap. If Chris Clark opens the season on LTIR, then the Caps would be $3,666,121 under the salary cap, Morrissonn's salary (to be determined by arbitration, I'd say around $1,800,000) notwithstanding. That number would dry up if Clark was activated, but it's a way to get around the salary cap if/when the Caps are over by less than a million dollars.

Here's what the Caps lineup should look like next year to start the season:

Alexander Ovechkin - Nicklas Backstrom - Viktor Kozlov
Brooks Laich - Sergei Fedorov - Alexander Semin
Tomas Fleischmann - Michael Nylander - Boyd Gordon
Matt Bradley - David Steckel - Donald Brashear

Mike Green - Shaone Morrisonn
Tom Poti - Jeff Schultz
John Erskine - Karl Alzner

Jose Theodore
Brent Johnson

Once Clark gets healthy, hopefully Eric Fehr and/or Sami Lepisto works their way into the lineup, and Alzner established himself as a top four defenceman, the lines could look like this:

Alexander Ovechkin - Nicklas Backstrom - Viktor Kozlov
Chris Clark - Sergei Fedorov - Alexander Semin
Brooks Laich - Michael Nylander - Eric Fehr
Matt Bradley - David Steckel - Boyd Gordon

Mike Green - Shaone Morrisonn
Tom Poti - Karl Alzner
Sami Lepisto - Jeff Schultz

I'm assuming Brian Pothier will be forced to retire due to concussions, and that the Capitals will be able to stay below the cap and won't be forced to make a trade, but that is a potentially devastating lineup, for my money the best in the east.

Fire enough bullets...

SI has a great piece today on Shawn Kemp, Jr. at the Reebok All-American camp. He's 17, and has contacted many of his half brothers and sisters around the country on Myspace, which must be a boon to the various illegitimate children of professional athletes. This reminds me of a great line from Huggy Lowdown: Shawn Kemp didn't make the All Star Team, but if he got all his kids to vote for him he'd be a starter.

Like Lil' Bush without the evil

I'd like to be invited to a Oaks Christian High School party. Not to try to feed alcohol to underage girls, or at least that wouldn't be the only reason. Because the sons of Joe Montana, Wayne Gretzky, and Will Smith are on the football team, so I imagine the parties have some spectacular catering.

It seems the 6'2" Nicholas Montana has transferred to the Westlake Village, CA private school where he will compete with Trevor Gretzky, for playing time behind starter Tony Macarena (no connection to the song by Los del Rio), who is throwing to Trey Smith. Notre Dame starting QB Jimmy Clausen was named USA Today Offensive Player of the Year there for the 2006 season.

All of this begs the question (posed by Puck Daddy): Wayne Gretzky's Waikiki Hockey versus Joe Montana's "I'll be in my room masturbating" versus Barkley vs. Barney versus Michael Jordan on Super Fans for best athlete SNL skit? If you're wondering where Peyton Manning is, check the videos and transcripts to see how far the once mighty Saturday Night Live has fallen.

9 days to go

Just a week and a half until the release of one of the most anticipated movies of all time, a movie I predicted months ago would place in the top five of all time grossers. The early reviews of The Dark Knight have been gushing. From Variety:

An ambitious, full-bodied crime epic of gratifying scope and moral complexity, this is seriously brainy pop entertainment that satisfies every expectation raised by its hit predecessor and then some.

From The Rolling Stone:

The haunting and visionary Dark Knight soars on the wings of untamed imagination.

The cast is absolutely stacked. Heath Ledger (1 Academy Awards nomination), Michael Caine (six nominations, two wins), Morgan Freeman (four nominations, one win), and Eric Roberts (one nomination) bring the hardware, and it's shocking that Gary Oldman isn't on this list. Katie Holmes has been thankfully replaced by the less culty Maggie Gyllenhaal. And I truly expect Christian Bale to emerge as one of the biggest stars in Hollywood over the next calender year.

Biggest offseason winner: Frank Caliendo

When Chris Mortensen dropped the bombshell last week that Brett Favre was considering a comeback, I was completely dismissive. I mean, consider the source. Mortensen has been loud wrong pretty frequently over the last few years, and this story sounded a little far fetched to me. Why would Favre risk his legacy by so clearly putting his own interests ahead of that of the team's? Coming out of retirement would make many of the Packers' offseason moves inconsequential, including drafting Brian Brohm in the second round and Matt Flynn in the 7th, and failing to address the middle of the pack rush defense.

And then Peter King, who's so in the tank for Favre that he's practically a caricature of Frank Caliendo's John Madden impersonation, dropped this nugget:

I fully expect Favre's agent to send a letter to the Packers within the next 10 days, stating that Favre, 38, wants to be taken off the National Football League's reserve/retired list.
Wow. And King is far from alone in speculating that if Green Bay doesn't welcome him back, Favre next two most likely destinations are division rivals Chicago and Minnesota. It's like the Packers had an amicable break up with it's girlfriend, they've moved on to someone new, and then the ex says "You're welcoming me back with a smile on your face or I'm moving in with your best friend."

The happiest guy in the world about this, even more than the kid who wore Favre's jersey for four straight years: Frank Caliendo. He's got to feel like like he just won the lottery. If Favre is playing next year, he'll be doing Madden impersonations on every media outlet from August to May. "My Brett Favre's back and your defense is in trouble..."

The Dark Knight that got away

Spill's got Michael Bay's rejected script for The Dark Knight, and it's outstanding. My two favorite excerpts:

We pan to a beautiful woman: platinum blonde with a huge rack. She is the hottest woman in the world, but she wears glasses because she is also the smartest woman in the world.

and

JOKER unleashes an all-out barrage of missiles, like the biggest fucking missiles you will ever see. BATMAN shoots his own back, and they collide into each other in the middle of the highway releasing a violent explosion, and then, an explosion within that explosion. Afterward: one last explosion, this time in slow motion, with tanks flying out of it.