Thursday, December 3, 2009

Mediocrity is mine!

As if Bills fans haven't suffered enough, the Bills play a home game tonight in Toronto, a city far too clean to be American. Ralph Wilson has done some positive things to keep the team in upstate New York over the years, but playing footsie with Toronto sets him up to be the next Modell. Or Stewie, with whom the resemblance is unmistakable.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The NFL is on the air tonight. Oh lord.

Now that the NFL preseason has begun and the regular season is just around the corner, I find myself able to think about little else. In fact, I've been replacing the lyrics to songs that I hear with lyrics that more accurately describe my excitement.

I want something to watch on TV tonight, oh lord.
I can't watch The Dark Knight - yet again - tonight, oh lord.
I'm watching my fifteenth preseason game tonight, oh lord, oh lord.

When you told me they don't count, I got a season pass.
I know I've got laundry to do, but I just can't get off of my ass.
But I know the reason why - nothings on
Except for season three of Mad Men
I don't even mind Campbell, even though he's an asshole
When oh when is it on again?

I want something to watch on TV tonight, oh lord.
I can't watch The Dark Knight - yet again - tonight, oh lord.
I'm watching my fifteenth preseason game tonight, oh lord, oh lord.

Well I remember
I remember, Tom Brady
How I could ever forget?
it was the first time, the last time, his ligament snapped.
But I know the reason why you're staying up
past 2:00 to watch this crap
to see if he's healthy
to help you in fantasy
It's a good thing I took a nap.

I want something to watch on TV tonight, oh lord.
I can't watch The Dark Knight - yet again - tonight, oh lord.
I'm watching my fifteenth preseason game tonight, oh lord, oh lord.

I want something to watch on TV tonight, oh lord.
I can't watch The Dark Knight - yet again - tonight, oh lord.
I'm watching my fifteenth preseason game tonight, oh lord, oh lord.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

An ARod Haiku

I love you ARod
You are truly beautiful
Sincerely, ARod

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Do not try to rape a bouncer's 68 year old mother

If I was told by a 6'5", 299 lb bouncer that I was going to die tonight, I think I might just shit myself. OK I would shit myself. I mean, just reading the story made me pee a little bit.

Andre Smith paddles backward

Alabama's pro day was yesterday, and Andre Smith continues to not do himself any favors. Since December, he's been suspended for the Sugar Bowl, abruptly left the NFL Combine without telling anyone, and failed to put up any numbers at his pro day that would register close to the top 10 among offensive linemen at the combine. But on the bright side, as Smith is quick to point out, he does have a fabulous smile.

By the way, I am referring to to the similarity between Smith's man-boobs to paddles from a paddle boat by the title of this post, if it were a tad too subtle for you. (See more flopping than Vlade Divac and Jamaican short distance runners combined at 2:34.) Boom, roasted.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Ernie, start the reactor

Wizards owner Abe Pollin has seen better days. But on the brighter side he does have his own organs, unlike his doppelganger from Total Recall.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Full scenes from Watchmen

The hookers and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!" And I'll whisper "No."

I feel fear for the last time

And he is American.

I haven't had this much fun since Woodrow and Bernstein

Smartest man on the cinder

Tales of the Black Freighter trailer

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Meep set me up!

KSK had some hilarious shots of Beaker in D.C. last month, my favorite being of him smoking crack with Marion Barry. Beaker's become surprisingly relevant lately, with his turn as an opera star and his cruising Chocolate City.

Vinny Cerrato: Renaissance Man

Earlier this week, the Bog posted a video of Vinny Cerrato playing a hard boiled cop in a jean jacket.

Steinberg followed up with some screenshots and a link to the article that originally uncovered Cerrato's B-movie start, from the Washington City Paper. That writer uncovered the clip when looking into criticism from the Washington Post's ombudsman that Jason La Canfora's contest to come up with a nickname for the Washington Redskins that was "Cerrato-tinged." Apparently Cerrato and John Salamone of the National Italian American Foundation were outraged by some team names they perceived as offensive to Italians.

"Nickname suggestions such as Vinny the Chin, Vinny the Bull, Underboss, and others reinforce a negative and harmful stereotype of Italian Americans." Salamone said events kept him from writing promptly but he later sent his note to an e-mail list of foundation supporters.

Cerrato said, "I was disappointed. To me, anytime you're dealing with a person's name and nationality and heritage, it's not playful. To mock a nationality is uncalled for."

Does this guy realize he works for the Washington Redskins? The least politically correct team name this side of the movie BASEketball. For the most part I've been a Cerrato... maybe not a supporter but a defender, arguing George W. Bush: Dick Cheney:: Vincent Cerrato: Dan Snyder. But the unmitigated gall of these guys is ridiculous, and the media can't criticize them because if a news source loses access to the Redskins then it practically ceases to be a news source inside the beltway. And of course Snyder has a monopoly on sports talk radio in Washington.

The All Steroid Team

Now that Miguel Tejada and Alex Rodriguez are admitted steroid users, my all steroid team is finally complete. The pitching staff was a little harder to put together than the everyday lineup, but I'd still take this squad over any team ever assembled. Mike Cameron received some consideration in center field, but Dykstra is a superior leadoff hitter. All of these players were either named in the Mitchell Report and/or have been suspended for using performance enhancing drugs, with the exception of ARod and Bret Boone, whose career stats (and physical appearance) certainly seem to indicate something unnatural in the 2000 offseason.

1. Lenny Dykstra CF
2. Rafael Palmeiro DH
3. Alex Rodriguez 3B
4. Barry Bonds LF
5. Mark McGwire 1B
6. Sammy Sosa RF
7. Miguel Tejada SS
8. Ivan Rodriguez C
9. Bret Boone 2B

Catcher:Ivan Rodriguez
First Baseman: Mark McGwire
Second Baseman: Bret Boone
Shortstop: Miguel Tejada
Third Baseman: Alex Rodriguez
Left Fielder: Barry Bonds
Center Fielder: Lenny Dykstra
Right Fielder: Sammy Sosa
Designated Hitter: Rafael Palmeiro
Utility Infielders: Jason Giambi, Ken Caminiti, Todd Hundley
Bench Outfielders: Jose Canseco, Juan Gonzalez

Right handed pitcher: Roger Clemens
Left handed pitcher: Andy Pettitte
Right handed pitcher: Kevin Brown
Right handed pitcher: Paul Byrd
Right handed pitcher: Denny Neagle
Long reliever: Ismael Valdez
Set up man: Kent Mercker
Set up man: Jason Grimsley
Set up man: Mike Stanton
Set up man: Guillermo Mota
Closer: Eric Gagne

Dreamcatchers work. If your dream is being gay.

I watched Important Things with Demetri Martin last night and he might single handedly saving sketch comedy and the one liner. This commercial actually made me cry. I shit you not.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Emmitt: His Rice of Passage

I just found this on - a comprehensive collection of Emmitt Smith greatest nuggets of wisdom. Previously, the most recognized collection of Emmitt quotes was featured on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. I copied all the quotes from them, but put my own commentary.

The Greatest Hits
  1. "Don't worry about the game you just won or the team that we just blew out... uhhh... blown... blown out... Let's think about what we need to do going forward, and they had... blown out." (The gold standard. PFT takes credit for this; he actually had it right with blew.)

  2. "Defensively, they're solid. They have solid defenses." (This would make sense if he was planning an attack on the Death Star and not talking about a football team.)

  3. "You hear Andy Reid going online and say, Donovan McNabb is my starting quarterback."

  4. "Now the Colts are probably playing with more confidence than they ever have played since they been with the Indianapolis Colts."

  5. "They need to right the score to get revenge." (You either right the ship or even the score.)

  6. "This will get you completely blowed out." (This was came before the gold standard; criticism for use of a non-word made him hesitant.)

  7. "They did a good job flying around the football field and carousing the football carrier." (Meant to say corralling.)

  8. "Brady will put up monster numbers because he can throw."

  9. "You cannot change the stripes of a leopard."

  10. "The hill represent another rushing title this year for the season. For others watching this thing who've worked out on hills, this is a opportunity to build strength within." (I can picture an 87 year old grandmother saying this.)

  11. "...Go to Arizona, sharp as a whistle, and do some finishing touches, so we can go down in the Super Bowl and play our best football of the whole entire season."

  12. "The strength of the Patriots, their offense, got... DEBACLED."

  13. "That can be a swing their way eventually. I just hate to be the team that they winned it against."
Grammatical Errors
  1. "Wade [Phillips] inherit this success."

  2. "My game-breaker go to Brett Favre."

  3. "And when defense felt my will, it was a total different game then."

  4. "The Packers don't has a running game."

  5. "This team have not played confident football in three weeks."

  6. "He gets the ball over to their third read than most quarterback can."

  7. "Mike Martz have this offense rollin"

  8. "The Pittsburgh Steelers are not as good as everyone think they are."

  9. "He deserve to be coach of the year."

  10. "He's gonna be the guy Tom Brady look for on third downs."

  11. "It takes a coach who know how to communicate."

  12. "He turn around and go deep on Dre' Bly"

  13. "Brett Favre went into Dallas nine times and have a big goose egg."

  14. "I love those style of play that the Tennessee Titans bring to the game."

  15. "Let's see if he step up big today and play great for the Chargers."

  16. "That offense does... do look good." (Thisclose to noun/verb agreement.)

  17. "He just need a runnin game to help him."

  18. "Giants has too many guys in the secondary banged up."

  19. "All those things messes with the mentality of your ball club."

  20. "I'm concerned about a guy who fall down before get hits."
Factual Errors
  1. "Wes Worker is a possession receiver that make things happen." (He's the leading receiver in the NFL. How can you take about football for a living and not know his name?)

  2. "Norv Turner have a lot of experience in the playoff." (Beside mixing verb tense and leaving the s off of playoffs, Turner was 1-1 in the playoffs with one playoff berth in 10 seasons when this was said.)

  3. "I like the Eagles based on what I saw on Monday night." (Said in reference to a Sunday Night game.)

  4. "Tom Brady is buyin' time for his lineman." (This would be funny if he was talking about Brady buying his O line Rolexes but of course it's just Emmitt confusing the noun and subject again.)

  5. "Let's not judge the Giants until we're in the bottom half of the season... The bottom half of the schedule get much tougher."

  6. "Reggie Bush is definitely effective. Just not tonight." (Said after a game in which Reggie Bush didn't play.)

  7. "The NFC West is probably one of the weakest... CONFERENCES... in the whole NFC. These guys over here, you have the Cardinals, you have the 49ers, you have the Seahawks, and you also have the Rams..."

  8. "Alex has a lot of growing up to do, and it's hard to grow up when you are learning three different offenses every year." (This sentence is grammtically correct and only an exaggeration, but the 49ers offensive coordinators year by year since the drafted Alex Smith: Mike McCarthy, Norv Turner, Jim Hostler, and Mike Martz. Martz is the only one who dramatically chaged the offense.)

  9. (On the Super Bowl) "The loss tonight... And the loss today is gonna hurt for a long time."

  10. (Attempting to quote Jimmy V "Don't give up. Don't ever give up.") "Don't quit. Don't ever quit."

  11. "He was coming through line to make a move and got blind sided by Al Wi... Al Wi... Al Jackson." (Al Wilson has been out of the league since 2006, and there is no Al Jackson in the league. This was referring to a Broncos linebacker, D.J. Williams if I remember correctly.)
  1. "T.O. just do not draw the double team." (I thought he do - oh no it's happening to me!)

  2. "The leadership definitely have to come from the leaders." (Besides the obvious, does this guy ever get do/does right?)

  3. "You have new offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator."

  4. "If it slip in Week 1, it slip in Week 8."

  5. "The percentages for teams that go into score before the first half is pretty high that they wins the game." (Sounds a little like Gollum here.)

  6. "The one thing that derail a team is a thing called the injury bugs."

  7. "They're gearing up to stop the run. They put eight men in the box. Eight men... sometimes nine." (Here he sounds like a six year old.)

  8. "You have to have the personality to match up with the Patriots." (He probably meant personnel, or was trying to channel Jules Winnfield.)

  9. "A reason they don't want to repeat what they did last year, they don't want to look really bad down the stretch."

  10. "And then he come back and throw another pass and he drop it." (In this sentence he was unable to correctly use three consecutive words.)

  11. "I'm going with the Pats ... they are an all-around good ball club." (In this game the Patriots were favored by 22, one of the largest point spreads ever.)

  12. "Not only does he have the NFC East record for touchdowns, but also the team record."

  13. "Last year there was a lot of things the Colts had to address. They couldn't stop the run... and all those... that was one of the biggest things they had to address."

  14. "The Giants secondary really have to be physical with this guy."

  15. "They started 6-2. Now, they're 6-3." (This makes me want to hear Emmitt do play by play.)

  16. "He has a chance to correct those things once he come back outside." (He was talking about Mike Vick.)

  17. "As my offense get better, my defense is goin be that much more better."
  1. "Wade Phillips have not had time to insert this." (That's what she said.)

  2. "The Jets can only be disrespected by every team in the league."

  3. "What else can you say about a defense that get together?"

  4. "The way you perform make them feel about you different."

  5. "This team need to get in their mind."

  6. "They can ride Adrian Peterson into the doggone playoff." (This is actually close to a line from Friday Night Lights, but obviously not uttered by a character who is supposed to be smart.)

  7. "That would definitely be a slowed down."

  8. "Eli Manning has been given the rice of passage."

  9. "He's giving them all the confidences they need... he giving them the confidence that he need."

  10. "Detroit Lions had our numbers." (Those numbers are 0 and 16.)

  11. "He's goin change how the front office even think."

  12. "When you are the single or the lone ranger, so to speak." (Putting so to speak on the end of this makes it much funnier.)

  13. "When he get over the Texas line, something crazy happens in his head."

  14. "I think it's his self-confidence in himself that make him so confident when it get down into the crunch time." (He also said my hair makes me hairy.)

  15. "They both can return kicks and punt return guys."

  16. "Why doesn't... don't the defensive players put their hands on Randy Moss? Don't back back." (It's like he's allergic to getting do/does correct.)

Thursday, January 8, 2009

And he laterals the shoe to Rolle!

Ed Reed is literally catching everything right now. You've probably seen the stats: 10 interceptions, 2 fumble recoveries, 335 return yards, and 3 touchdowns in his last 7 games (including his first playoff win). That's an average of about 2 turnovers a game each of which he returns 28 yards. If you're responsible for two turnovers that you return 28 yards a piece, 95% of the time you've made the two biggest plays of the game. And this was on a playoff run for a team that had zero wiggle room.

Riker to Ray Lewis's Picard, Reed faced a career threatening nerve injury in the offseason due to a crushing hit from Hines Ward. "Hopefully, I can get back, but health is more important right now," Reed said at the time to the Baltimore Sun. "It's a long season, and I feel like the team is going to need me more down the line than earlier and having to get hurt and can't play again." So Reed picked his spots to start the year, with only one pick in the first 10 games. Now he's clinched a spot in the Hall of Fame after only seven seasons, an amazing accomplishment for a defensive player. He's being mentioned in the same breath as Ronnie Lott among the all time greats at safety, although with the caveat that he needs a Super Bowl ring. Three more wins to go.

Friday, January 2, 2009

The frozen tundra of Wrigley Field

Here's a cool time lapse video of Wrigley Field personnel preparing it for the Winter Classic.